I uncovered one of my unconscious today. so I was chatting with a friend and he was surprised that I was okay with taking public transportation because he thought I was a spoiled brat. I guess I can't blame those who don't know me well, but it made me realize that I always had a fear of being labeled as such. For some reason, I always think that I'm unworthy of anything. But when I talk to my mom about it, she would always encourage me to do whatever I want and not care about everything else cause, as she always tells me, I deserve it. You know what? Maybe I do. I'm an independent being. I'm a normal, functioning being who can do everything I need to do by myself. Even if I can't, I'll find a way around it. I'm not dependent on others in whatever I do. I take care of my own expenses. I don't go whining for allowance or begging for this and that. I can do what I do because I worked hard for it, alright? Studying full-time while taking up two part-time jobs for all these years gotta pay off. Okay, I don't know where I'm getting at but I guess I just can't stand the fact of being judged while all my hard work and effort goes down the drain. Whatever, why should I even care? Truth prevails over everything.

Okay, I'm done rambling and will get into terms with myself soon :) 

For the past month, all I do from 9 to 5 is read, read, and read. and so, I couldn't bear the thought of doing more readings when I get home. but today, I hit on my Hillsong playlist and miraculously picked up Jaeson Ma's The Blueprint, hah. I did a quick flashback on the happenings of the past few months and could feel nothing but gratefulness. Looking back at how everything fell into place, it's magical. But of course it's no magic, it's His favors, His blessings, His arrangements. Aaah... At the beginning of the year, establishing my faith torn me into pieces. But now, I'm just so grateful that I can say "I believe in You" without a doubt!

Appointment

"Heaven is open. God is speaking. You're not here by chance. It's not a cushy place, but it's a place appointed by God."

Father, are you trying to speak to me through today's sermon? If this is Your will, so be it. Although I made up my mind to accept your divine arrangement long before everything fell into place, there seem to be a tiny voice deep in my heart begging to differ. God, have you heard that scream that I've been trying to suppress? Are you trying to reassure me that I'm ascending the right hill of God?

and while I worship You, while my heart's filled with Your overflowing love, God You spoke. You know everything about me, Father. You've seen what I've been struggling so hard with and You acnowledge it, o Lord. It's only with Your strength that I can do anything. If this is Your will, I will obey.

Blind

Tell me humans are kind creatures and that the world is a beautiful place. I lost my rose-colored glasses and can't seem to see love floating in the air. I weep for what I see; for what the world has become and what has become of us. 

Stereotyping and racism are both despicable, yet almost everyone's susceptible to it. I frown upon both, yet I'm guilty of both. An unconscious act of differentiation embedded deep within me. Although I try to suppress, I still feel uncomfortable, or even afraid, around certain groups of people. Yet for what I love, I was willing to take a chance. I wanted to throw away all my prejudice, put differences aside, and try to connect with a different group of people based upon our commonality. I took the step, but was thrown back to square one. I'm so upset. I can't stand my ground and say no, because deep within me, I'm still dubious. I took a step, hoping to be proved otherwise. But I lost my chance. I want to tear down each and every label stuck on everyone's forehead and burn them into ashes. Why does color matter? Why should it matter? Life shouldn't revolve around hatred or fear, but love.

To Be

To be or not to be. That is the question.

Life has been so hectic that I haven’t had the time to engulf in quietness and reflect upon things. I miss doing that, so here I am, tapping away on my itouch. So, I’ve been reading and reading and reading a fair amount of journals. The more I read about autism, the more I feel I’m autistic, hah. Ok ok, I’m just letting my imagination run wild. But to a certain extent, we probably do have certain autistic features in us. Anyhow, I think I’m in the process of trying to get in terms with myself. Just when I thought I’m getting to know myself better after a month long trip, I got lost again. While trying to make sense of the whole situation, Shakespeare’s famous line—to be or not to be—popped up in my head. You know what? That’s exactly what needs to be done! To be! To be what your heart sings, to be what your soul screams! Throw away all boundaries and limitations, cause you deserve more than that! Just BE, and everything will fall into place. You’ll see :)

Anew

So! I've just started my new life, new job, and my new course! and so far, it has been cuh-ray-zee! I had a full day training course on my first day. Plus, there was a Psychology conference going on the upcoming weekend, so our Dean held a "welcome-foreign-speakers" party at his place. Caught a ride with my collegue to get in town right after school, socialized (which is exceptionally tiring for me), and yea, I crashed as soon as I got back to my cousin's place. Two full days again for the conference and, of course, more socializing. I feel exceptionally dumb around exceptionally smart people. Even on our ride back, conversations are still based upon "intellectual topics." Phew. I think it's an overload for my tiny little brain and I feel totally incompetent. But, in a good way (if that's even possible). Well, challenges push you forward, right? I'm ready for it! I really need to take on the mentality that there's nothing to lose. I shouldn't be holding back. I'm given such a great learning environment and well-educated peers, I really need to get into it. Ah... I'm exhausted after a long weekend, but so content :)

Wish

Honestly, I should be satisfied with my life. I have everything I could ever ask for. But somehow, there's a tiny little sorrow tugging the corner of my heart. I can't explain it, yet I can't deny it. I've been trying to suppress it, to ignore it, but it wouldn't go away. Ah, what should I do. Even if I were given a wish, I wouldn't know what to wish for.