I uncovered one of my unconscious today. so I was chatting with a friend and he was surprised that I was okay with taking public transportation because he thought I was a spoiled brat. I guess I can't blame those who don't know me well, but it made me realize that I always had a fear of being labeled as such. For some reason, I always think that I'm unworthy of anything. But when I talk to my mom about it, she would always encourage me to do whatever I want and not care about everything else cause, as she always tells me, I deserve it. You know what? Maybe I do. I'm an independent being. I'm a normal, functioning being who can do everything I need to do by myself. Even if I can't, I'll find a way around it. I'm not dependent on others in whatever I do. I take care of my own expenses. I don't go whining for allowance or begging for this and that. I can do what I do because I worked hard for it, alright? Studying full-time while taking up two part-time jobs for all these years gotta pay off. Okay, I don't know where I'm getting at but I guess I just can't stand the fact of being judged while all my hard work and effort goes down the drain. Whatever, why should I even care? Truth prevails over everything.

Okay, I'm done rambling and will get into terms with myself soon :) 

For the past month, all I do from 9 to 5 is read, read, and read. and so, I couldn't bear the thought of doing more readings when I get home. but today, I hit on my Hillsong playlist and miraculously picked up Jaeson Ma's The Blueprint, hah. I did a quick flashback on the happenings of the past few months and could feel nothing but gratefulness. Looking back at how everything fell into place, it's magical. But of course it's no magic, it's His favors, His blessings, His arrangements. Aaah... At the beginning of the year, establishing my faith torn me into pieces. But now, I'm just so grateful that I can say "I believe in You" without a doubt!

Appointment

"Heaven is open. God is speaking. You're not here by chance. It's not a cushy place, but it's a place appointed by God."

Father, are you trying to speak to me through today's sermon? If this is Your will, so be it. Although I made up my mind to accept your divine arrangement long before everything fell into place, there seem to be a tiny voice deep in my heart begging to differ. God, have you heard that scream that I've been trying to suppress? Are you trying to reassure me that I'm ascending the right hill of God?

and while I worship You, while my heart's filled with Your overflowing love, God You spoke. You know everything about me, Father. You've seen what I've been struggling so hard with and You acnowledge it, o Lord. It's only with Your strength that I can do anything. If this is Your will, I will obey.