Egocentrism

My heart must have gained a few pounds. It feels heavy of late.

Besides the stack of to-do list I have, a huge pile of to-think list is pressing for attention. I've been filling my life with noise recently; timid to embrace the quietness I once loved, timid to let my thoughts run wild. But tonight, it's me and silence, all alone. Internet malfunctioned so I can't soak up in some mindless tv show and laugh an empty laugh. I turned up the volume of my music but all I hear is silence, and my thoughts screaming to be heard.

I've been ignoring my thoughts for a while now cause I find it emotionally draining to think about them. I went through this whole emotional roller coaster about Plan X, knowing I can't just selfishly proclaim that I'm uncomfortable with the huge disruption it's gonna cause my life. After all, I know for a fact that it's the ideal plan for everyone else. Just when I convinced myself to accept it, the whole situation took a different turn. Everything's still up in the air but gah you have no idea how much distress it caused me. We're talking about major life changes after all. Oh well, that's that.

Less sensitive topic. So lately, I tend to have strong instinctive feelings about new people I met. I've been trying to make sense of them since some are, unfortunately, less positive than others. It's quite an interesting process to learn about your subconscious. I was amazed to discover that my cognitive processes have been working way overtime to figure things out right under my nose.

Anyhow, I recently met an extremely chatty girl who's totally engrossed with nothing but herself. I always thought I was a pretty good listener but clearly I haven't been challenged. After spending some time with her, I'd happily admit defeat. It's quite a horrific experience, I must say. I pray that I'd grow to be a humble person filled with love and care for others. Although I'm guilty of being egocentric at times, I make a conscious effort not to be. So much so that I feel like I'm losing my sense of identity.

I go by the principle of "do to others as you would have them do to you" Luke6:31. Thus, I nod along others' suggestions or decisions when I don't have a strong desire or objection; just because personally, I'd appreciate it when people value and are willing to accommodate my preference. Although that's my position, I suppose it may appear as if I'm not opinionated and people kinda just disregard what I have to say after a while. It's my fault. I brought myself into that situation. I tend to think about others so much that sometimes I forget myself along the way. I wonder if being a little more egocentric would do me any good? :)

醫治回憶

如果說無知是福 我想 我從來不曾擁有它

早上八點被一通越洋電話吵醒 迷迷糊糊聽著 淚不自覺地流
甚麼時候開始 重擔在我身上了？甚麼時候開始 我成了關鍵人物？
那都沒關係 但聽著對方述說我一直以來都看得見感受得到卻無法改變的一切 讓我不禁為她感到心疼 為他感到心酸了

總奢望自己能當個無憂無慮的小孩
或許沒享足無知的童年所以才特別渴望吧
偶爾釋放自己內心幼稚的小鬼 過過干癮也開心

別人總說我是個懂事的孩子 但我不過是自覺沒任性的權利
看多了 聽多了 懂事久了 也會累的
我其實並沒那麼堅強

但比起我木馬 我所必須面對的又算甚麼
所以我只能心疼地為她流著無止盡的淚 窩囊地對著電腦螢幕訴苦

今天我難過了
好難過好難過

幸福女孩

都是Plan X惹的禍

承認自己有口難言了 所以才以充滿想像空間的神秘語言試圖隱藏些甚麼…
話說前幾天老媽從香港回來 興致勃勃地和我分享了完美無缺的Plan X
以理智分析 它確實是個完美計劃 但我聽了卻有點膽怯 有點焦躁
習慣是件很可怕的事 改變亦然
當機會來了 你有勇氣踏出第一步嗎？

這沈重的話題讓我重新思考關於過去現在未來的一切
翻了翻舊文 讓我覺得現在的自己是無敵幸福的
最近的我真的過得很開心很滿足
雖然對這片土地的某些人事物頗有微詞 但能為自己的夢想奮鬥是多麼奢侈的幸福啊
也感謝身旁的可愛天使們 讓我在這荒郊野嶺也能感受到溫暖 不覺孤單

至於未來嘛 我還不敢深思
其實我是個懦弱的傢伙 只不過理智得緊
只要認為該做的事 再害怕再不願也會硬著頭皮完成
船到橋頭自然直 我就暫且不自尋煩惱了

明天要回家了呢 但這次的心情是複雜的
因為我們得召開家庭會議 密談Plan X之事
我卻不知該如何自處

算了 笑一笑 沒甚麼大不了 :)

Japan

I love exploring; walking with the gentle breeze brushing across my face, listening to nature sing the sweetest melody, daydreaming...

I used to enjoy my daily walks to school and weekly island adventures with my homie. But ever since I moved here, I feel like I've been trapped in air-conditioned rooms 24/7. I tried walking a few times, but my neighborhood isn't the safest place and there's no proper walkway for pedestrians so it was a hassle trying to stay alert and not fall into mud holes at the same time.

Point is, previous months have been emotionally draining for me and I felt like I needed a break from this routine, this place, this life. I was suffocating. Someone marvelous up above must have heard my prayers, cause before I know it, I was on a plane heading to Taiwan and Japan! Ah, I'm so so blessed!


So I first flew to Taiwan to meet up with my cousin and aunt before we departed for Japan. The plane ride was somewhat awkward since other passengers seated around us were middle aged businessmen all dressed up in suits and ties; and there we were, three girls all relaxed and joyful. Anyhow, this is my second experience in business class, woot! The meal wasn't that great but we had Haagen-Dazs for dessert, which made up for everything, really.



First day, we headed to Ginza. After having a huge bowl of ramen for lunch, we visited a 11-floored Abercrombie! Crazy huge but I like! Next stop was Uniqlo. Then, we hung around Hermes waiting for my aunt to complete her ultimate mission for this trip---shop! We were exhausted by the time we got back to the hotel so we decided to order room service: a first for me! Oh, and did I mention that the view from our room is amazing? It took my breath away :)





Next day, we headed to a restaurant at our hotel, Khishiki, for a buffet breakfast. Ah, I think I'm overwhelmed with feelings of joy and satisfaction. The food was so so good! I had croissants, fruit yogurt, salad with salmon, bacon, sausage, Nakamura eggs, and more fruits! Mm I suppose it doesn't sound that impressive but trust me, it was! And the view equally breath-taking. Today was shopping day. We went to Omotesandou, Shibuya, and Shinjuku. I love how lively and full of persona the city is. The most interesting part of the day was lunch! We went to this little self served ramen store where we had to order and pay at a vending machine and ate at little cubicles where food was served through a tiny window situated in front of you. It was so cute! I've always wanted to try slurping ramen and so I finally did! I was a total failure though. I promised my cousin I'll master the art of slurping in the near future :)



We visited Asakusa on the third day. Went to Kaminarimon where they prayed while I had a good time observing people and taking pictures. That afternoon, we had the most amazing lunch at Tofuya Ukai (http://www.ukai.co.jp/english/shiba/)! Famous for their tofu, as the name of the restaurant implies, I was particularly impressed with their fried tofu and tofu dunked in soya bean. Usually, I'd stay away from tofu and red bean but today's lunch totally changed my mind. In addition to our delightful meal, we also had a magnificent view from our room since the restaurant's located at the foot of Tokyo tower and surrounded by beautifully tended zen gardens. Later that evening, we took the subway back to Kaminarimon to pick up a few things and headed back to Nihonbashi, where our hotel's situated. We picked up some fruits from Sembikiya, which apparently is the best fruit store in town, then walked over to Mitsukoshi, where we had the most amazing melon juice. Dinner was solved with another day of room service and I finally understood why the fruits were crazy expensive! They were so mouth-wateringly sweet I could shed tears of joy!



Last two days were dedicated to DisneySea and Disneyland! I felt like a little kid engulfed in overflowing joy :) I can't describe how much fun we had. Even the smallest thing, starring at a bottle cap for example, made me smile from the depths of my heart. Boy am I in love with life :)



Our last dinner at Tokyo was the best ever. We went to a restaurant at our hotel, Sushi Sora, for the most amazing sushi course. The chef that served us that night had the coolest slicing skills. Mm, I may be slightly biased though cause I think everyone who cooks is genius. But I must say I'm not quite impaired in food tasting. I'm hardly impressed with food, but our entire trip was drowned with amazing meals! It was such a rare but enjoyable experience for me to be excited about food!



Besides Japan, I had an equally good time at Taiwan. Not much exploration, but I got to catch up with my grandma and cousins from Hawaii. Alrighty, I suppose I shall end here for now cause I feel extremely long-winded. This must have been the most pampering trip I've ever been on. I feel like a spoiled kid but I'm so so happy :D I can't thank Him enough for this wonderful and much needed vacation. I feel rejuvenated and ready to work again.

As I always say, traveling is my source of inspiration :)

Love

It's been half a year, I really should start learning how to love my life. I'm truly grateful for everything, but subconsciously, I'm suppressing the negative feelings I have towards this land, trying so hard to ignore that empty void in my heart. Is it silly to say that I'm experiencing culture shock in the country where I was born?

It all started with an innocent question of "Don't you miss Hawaii?" Thus far, I don't feel a strong sense of attachment to any particular place on earth. Yet, I do miss the American culture. I miss being respected as an individual and being treated as equals. Where has humanity gone on this side of the earth?

During last Sunday's service, it was mentioned that foreign speakers who visited this country described it as a "land of oppression." I couldn't agree more. I feel like my wings are taken away from me. If one does not transform into a person of worth, of authority, of fame, no one gives a damn about you. The wings that were rightfully yours would be snatched away from your bare hands. Being true to yourself without additional fluff that the society values will never be enough for you to soar the limitless sky. It's spiteful. I condemn the society's twisted sense of value, yet because of who I am not, what can I do?

So apparently, there's a rally going on tomorrow in town. Citizens are demanding a clean and fair election; an election whereby the outcome will be a true reflection of the citizens' vote. In my worthless opinion, the government's respond is absolutely ridiculous. The rally is declared illegal because of its "threat" to the country and everyone wearing the yellow t-shirt in support of the rally will be arrested. Roads will be blocked, public transportation's frequency reduced, possible cut offs of phone lines and internet connection, and to top it all off, the government will be using tax payers' money to purchase water canon and tear gas to ward off tax payers who are advocating for what they deem righteous. What on earth is happening here? Whatever happened to the freedom of speech, freedom of expression, and freedom of assembly? Is this some kind of child's play? Honestly, it's like incompetent parents trying to deal with their child's discontentment. Because of the parents' incapability to handle and reason with their child, the only thing they can do is to use their waning authority to ground them. No phone, no internet, no stepping out of the house for the whole weekend! That's exactly what the government's doing.

I'm so afraid of turning into a hateful person that I try so hard not to let these negative feelings overwhelm me and blind my sight. It's not like I could change it anyway, so what good does it do? But ignoring these feelings doesn't diminish them. It's slowly taking its toll on me. I still know not how to deal with these dissatisfaction but I suppose acknowledging them is a good start.

As in my previous blog where I insanely wrote to my future self, I can only pray that I will continuously stay true to myself and not loose sight of what's most important in life.

Praying for the country and its innocent inhabitants. 

It amazes me when I'm reminded of how much joy and satisfaction I'm capable of feeling :D

我是個笨小孩

執著的笨小孩