Love

It's been half a year, I really should start learning how to love my life. I'm truly grateful for everything, but subconsciously, I'm suppressing the negative feelings I have towards this land, trying so hard to ignore that empty void in my heart. Is it silly to say that I'm experiencing culture shock in the country where I was born?

It all started with an innocent question of "Don't you miss Hawaii?" Thus far, I don't feel a strong sense of attachment to any particular place on earth. Yet, I do miss the American culture. I miss being respected as an individual and being treated as equals. Where has humanity gone on this side of the earth?

During last Sunday's service, it was mentioned that foreign speakers who visited this country described it as a "land of oppression." I couldn't agree more. I feel like my wings are taken away from me. If one does not transform into a person of worth, of authority, of fame, no one gives a damn about you. The wings that were rightfully yours would be snatched away from your bare hands. Being true to yourself without additional fluff that the society values will never be enough for you to soar the limitless sky. It's spiteful. I condemn the society's twisted sense of value, yet because of who I am not, what can I do?

So apparently, there's a rally going on tomorrow in town. Citizens are demanding a clean and fair election; an election whereby the outcome will be a true reflection of the citizens' vote. In my worthless opinion, the government's respond is absolutely ridiculous. The rally is declared illegal because of its "threat" to the country and everyone wearing the yellow t-shirt in support of the rally will be arrested. Roads will be blocked, public transportation's frequency reduced, possible cut offs of phone lines and internet connection, and to top it all off, the government will be using tax payers' money to purchase water canon and tear gas to ward off tax payers who are advocating for what they deem righteous. What on earth is happening here? Whatever happened to the freedom of speech, freedom of expression, and freedom of assembly? Is this some kind of child's play? Honestly, it's like incompetent parents trying to deal with their child's discontentment. Because of the parents' incapability to handle and reason with their child, the only thing they can do is to use their waning authority to ground them. No phone, no internet, no stepping out of the house for the whole weekend! That's exactly what the government's doing.

I'm so afraid of turning into a hateful person that I try so hard not to let these negative feelings overwhelm me and blind my sight. It's not like I could change it anyway, so what good does it do? But ignoring these feelings doesn't diminish them. It's slowly taking its toll on me. I still know not how to deal with these dissatisfaction but I suppose acknowledging them is a good start.

As in my previous blog where I insanely wrote to my future self, I can only pray that I will continuously stay true to myself and not loose sight of what's most important in life.

Praying for the country and its innocent inhabitants.