My heart must have gained a few pounds. It feels heavy of late.
Besides the stack of to-do list I have, a huge pile of to-think list is pressing for attention. I've been filling my life with noise recently; timid to embrace the quietness I once loved, timid to let my thoughts run wild. But tonight, it's me and silence, all alone. Internet malfunctioned so I can't soak up in some mindless tv show and laugh an empty laugh. I turned up the volume of my music but all I hear is silence, and my thoughts screaming to be heard.
I've been ignoring my thoughts for a while now cause I find it emotionally draining to think about them. I went through this whole emotional roller coaster about Plan X, knowing I can't just selfishly proclaim that I'm uncomfortable with the huge disruption it's gonna cause my life. After all, I know for a fact that it's the ideal plan for everyone else. Just when I convinced myself to accept it, the whole situation took a different turn. Everything's still up in the air but gah you have no idea how much distress it caused me. We're talking about major life changes after all. Oh well, that's that.
Less sensitive topic. So lately, I tend to have strong instinctive feelings about new people I met. I've been trying to make sense of them since some are, unfortunately, less positive than others. It's quite an interesting process to learn about your subconscious. I was amazed to discover that my cognitive processes have been working way overtime to figure things out right under my nose.
Anyhow, I recently met an extremely chatty girl who's totally engrossed with nothing but herself. I always thought I was a pretty good listener but clearly I haven't been challenged. After spending some time with her, I'd happily admit defeat. It's quite a horrific experience, I must say. I pray that I'd grow to be a humble person filled with love and care for others. Although I'm guilty of being egocentric at times, I make a conscious effort not to be. So much so that I feel like I'm losing my sense of identity.
I go by the principle of "do to others as you would have them do to you" Luke6:31. Thus, I nod along others' suggestions or decisions when I don't have a strong desire or objection; just because personally, I'd appreciate it when people value and are willing to accommodate my preference. Although that's my position, I suppose it may appear as if I'm not opinionated and people kinda just disregard what I have to say after a while. It's my fault. I brought myself into that situation. I tend to think about others so much that sometimes I forget myself along the way. I wonder if being a little more egocentric would do me any good? :)
