媛

嘻

2011-12-12T03:10:00.000-10:00

本人最近剛通過一年一度的答辯正式邁入博士學位第二年咯！＊開心＊原本想說交了報告能偷懶一下下哪知工作接二連三想喘口氣都不行⋯今天終於逮到時間寫點東西啦！

話說上幾個月周遭發生了好多事迫使我不得不反省自己目前的生活狀態畢竟還得在這待上兩三年呢！把自己的生活中心完全放在學業上也不是辦法⋯思考了一下下做了些調整為生活增添些樂趣成果似乎還不賴⋯真想一直這樣開心下去⋯

上週末和同事們跑到吉膽島無敵歡樂！大家有說有笑還拍了不少照⋯看見朋友上傳的其中一張不禁愣了一愣⋯本人鮮少照鏡所以就算某天某人跑來和我說我長了三頭六臂我想我也會傻乎乎地問聲真的嗎？這位朋友拍了好多candid shots 其中一張嘛我笑得像個瘋婆子不過照片裡的我似乎很開心很開心呢！常常忘了自己除了愛胡思亂想外也能擁有單純的喜悅 :)

“笑世界也跟著你一起微笑”

Barefoot

2011-11-17T21:54:00.070-10:00

Protego horribilis!

The one spell I wish I could cast to protect myself from all the negativity floating in air. October was chaotic; but looking back at it now, everything feels so distant. Was it only a few weeks ago that I felt engulfed by my surroundings?

I'm far from optimistic. Hence, I constantly remind myself to stay positive by focusing on the bright side of life. I practice it day by day, knowing it's the best way for me to cope with the challenges and imperfections in life. But during the past month, the excessive complains and talks about quitting create an intense environment so suffocating that I struggled to stand my ground.

Hmm, I don't even know where to start. I mean, the problems preexisted; never liked them, probably never will, but they don't get to me cause I know what I'm here for. I appreciate the learning environment I'm in, and though it's not perfect, I learn to accept it in and of itself. But when everyone starts talking about it day in and and day out, it got to me. My patience wore thin and I grew weary of people day by day.

Thankfully, one of our new colleagues told me about a photomarathon that was going on and I had a chance to take a breather from all the chaos. More than a thousand people participated. There were three themes (Mother Nature, City of Color, and Extraordinary of the Ordinary) and we were given three hours to work on each. We explored the city in search of the hidden beauty of life. I was sweaty, stinky, and my feet covered with mud, but I haven't felt so alive and carefree in the longest time!

I belatedly realize that although I can't change the environment, I can gain control of my life by choosing to live life to the fullest with utmost joy. Thank You for granting me life, Creator :)

"Participate joyfully in the sorrows of the world. We cannot cure the world of sorrows, but we can choose to live in joy."

Experiment 626

2011-10-04T19:29:00.007-10:00

"Ohana means family. Family means no one gets left behind, or forgotten."

Know that aggressive and cunning blue creature that's practically indestructible? That's my favorite Disney character---Stitch. I know it doesn't fit the typical definition of cuteness, but I like that fella for slightly odd reasons. I like it for it is unloved; for what it's capable of transforming into if given a chance. I like its story of love, hope, and belongingness; the story that never fails to tug the corner of my heart. I like how it reminds me so much of myself.

A lot of times, I feel like an alien stranded on earth, unsure of my purpose on this planet I'm supposed to call home. I've been contemplating about "home" for some time now. A term that bears more meaning than a mere roof over the head; the place where the heart belongs. And where does mine? My heart's always on the move, like a backpacker I suppose. It's nice to be able to explore and uncover the beauty of various destinations, to embrace change and be excited about the unknown; yet sometimes, it's a bummer returning to a temporary lodge day after day, unable to linger at a place you grew to love.

So my friend and I were talking about long distance friendships one day. Speaking from her own experiences, she believes that long distance friendships are hard to maintain after a year or two cause it kinda fades away when you're no longer part of each others' life. Her comment saddened me cause I believe it partially true. The fact that I haven't been in touch with some of my friends at Hawai'i since google chat voice started charging calls to the U.S. made me feel disconnected with part of who I was. The lovely bunch who used to share my laughter and tears, estranged. Although I believe that when we get together again, we'll be able to pick up from where we left off, it saddens me that things won't be the same anymore. No more late night girls talk, no more falling asleep to Boys Meet World, no more monthly Blockbuster scary movie nights, no more weekly island adventures, no more unplanned evenings in car parks, no more random Waikiki outings, no more lunch dates, no more beach, no more hikes, no more... Man, I thought blogging was supposed to help me feel better about the whole situation.

I understand that change is inevitable; but each time, I feel like I left a piece of me behind, leaving a void in my heart. I try not to complain, but sometimes I get tired of restarting my life over and over again. Exhausted to the point where I'm reluctant to make an effort to start something that will end in due time. It's not easy, at least not for me. But if it's His will to push me out of my comfort zone and let me experience major life changes a little more than average, then I shall learn to embrace it. As illustrated in the story of "Who Moved My Cheese," change happens whether you like it or not. You either anticipate, accept, and move along with it, or you rot with your stinky old cheese. So I guess that leaves me no choice but to move on with the new cheese and learn to enjoy it.

Pray do give me strength.

Figure 1. A frowning cactus yearning for a hug. Exactly why I love stitch.

Habitation

2011-09-30T21:12:00.000-10:00

This must have been my fifth visit to Singapore within the past 18 months. I frown upon the idea of having to fly there just to take care of some personal matters, so this time, I planned an adventure :)

Since it was a last minute booking, I didn't have much time to arrange my accommodation. I figured I'd bunk in Changi airport since it was voted as the best airport of 2010 (http://www.sleepinginairports.net). A friend expressed her sympathy but I felt nothing but excitement! I love the adventurous side of me. Although I have to admit that I'm not the most optimistic person on earth, I like the me who's always in search of beauty in life. She's been missing for some time now and I'm determined to find her back. Reality, please excuse me for a moment while I head on a journey in search of my lost self.

So I caught a midnight flight and arrived at Singapore around 2am. Walked around the airport searching for a cozy spot and set my camp at Starbucks. I tried sleeping, I honestly did. But there was construction going on and the girls seated beside me were extremely excited about a computer game they discovered, so I only managed to nap for an hour and a half. I spent the rest of my time thinking, listening, people watching. I enjoyed it. After 5 hours at Starbucks, I brushed my teeth and washed my face in the bathroom before having sushi for breakfast. Man, this is like... hardcore backpacking. At least I had a bed to sleep in when I "backpacked" Europe last summer.

After breakfast, I headed down to Marina Bay Sands. Got lost for a bit, and found a perfect spot under the tree. I spent my morning sitting on a bench, swaying to soft jazz music, having the time of my life. A few hours later, I grabbed a bottle of gatorade, explored the mall for a bit, and found another spot by the Arts and Science museum. I would have visited if the entrance fee was more reasonable. But since it wasn't, I was content sitting outside the museum, people watching. Seated beside me was a couple with their grandson, eating packed lunch and playing hide-and-seek. They were so adorable. The little kid ran around in circles, his carefree laughter ringing in the air behind him. I couldn't help but smile at such precious moments. I spent more time sitting, listening, reflecting, and being mesmerized by water ripples. Random, I know.

Then, it was time for the Lion King, woot! I was debating if I should watch it for the longest time. I wasn't exactly comfortable with the idea of doing something unfamiliar all by myself, plus it was crazy expensive. But my frustration with my not-so-self pushed me out of my comfort zone and with a click of the mouse, I splurged. No regrets though. I loved it so so much. Before we were seated, a waiter came by with a backpack of coffee plus milo and had to shake himself for a bit before serving the drinks, hah. I was amused. The show was way better than I expected. Especially loved the costumes, choreography, and little Simba's role.

After the show, I rushed my way to Suntec to attend City Harvest Church's Saturday service. Found the place without much difficulty and got there in time for worship. I'm so glad I went. The message wasn't extremely powerful or inspiring but it was really encouraging for me personally; it was just what I needed to lift my spirits. I felt so bonded with God that evening, felt so good to indulge in His presence. I stood there in awe of Him, singing my praises with tears flowing. That moment, I knew I was healed emotionally; I was set free from my doubts and worries, I was free from the bondage that wouldn't have tied me down if I chose to let go.

I took a train back to the airport after service and was hoping to find a better spot for the night. I explored the airport yet again and realize that T3B2 is the happening place. Had a proper meal for dinner then decided to sleep at a kids hang out area. Just when I got comfy, some security guards came by notifying us that the place will be closed for cleaning. Man. And so I lugged my bag with me in search of another spot. Starbucks was packed this time. I sat on one of the plastic chairs, hugged my knees and could only nap for less than half an hour. I feel like my bones are deformed. Grabbed my stuff in search of another spot with my eyes half opened and crashed at the tourist info's lounge. Got to sleep for three hours before I checked in. Explored the transit area but wasn't extremely impressed. The theater and sunflower garden was nice though.

Boarded the plane soon after and was knocked out before take off. Phew, that marks the end of my physically exhausting yet mentally refreshing journey! Taking a mini trip did me good. I'm moving forward yo; me and my happy soul :')

Inspiration

2011-09-12T03:49:00.047-10:00

My emotion lost its invisibility cloak; it feels overexposed.

I was taken aback when my lil sis commented that I look wan one day. On a separate occasion, my dad looked me in the eye and told me to take things easy and not be stressed. My mom said yea, I look it. I was slightly bothered by the fact that the three of them saw the same thing in me but eventually shrugged it off. This past Friday, one of my colleagues, whom I rarely speak to, solemnly asked if I was okay cause I looked pale. My friend nodded in agreement. K well, now I'm worried.

I've always disliked insincere "how are you"s. I'm so used to mechanically answering "oh yea, I'm fine" that I suspect I have convinced myself so. I haven't been acknowledging my feelings lately, I just assumed I will be alright. But now I'm starting to think otherwise. I mean, yea, I'm stressed about work, but that's eustress. Nothing I can't handle. It's the emotional distress that's getting on me. I've always been able to manage my emotions appropriately, but I can't believe it's visible on my visage now.

I figured I had to do something about it and decided that I need to be inspired. My advice to self? Get out of the house and do something different. A change in environment and routine turned out to be extremely therapeutic so I had to blog about my weekend to remind myself of the positive experiences I had.

I woke up early on Saturday, planning to catch the bus to campus, but it was raining. So I laid in bed, caught up with some entertainment shows while eating leftover spaghetti. Grabbed my shoes after lunch, and started walking to campus. The route was still as scary as can be. I really hope the kids are well taken care of emotionally and educationally. By the time I reached campus, I was dripping sweat but could do nothing about it since there was a campus wide power shut down. I headed to the lake and started jogging. As you may or may not know, I'm no jogger at all, but I had the greatest time listening to the whisper of the wind, humming to the rhythm of nature's sweetest melody. I felt so in tune with the world. After a 30 minutes jog, I grabbed a bottle of 100plus and found a place to sit down and blog. My thoughts needed some organizing after all. I wish I had more time to quiet down and reflect upon things but I had to rush back and shower before heading out with a friend. Quick fix at Hokkaido Ichiba and caught the Rise of the Planet of the Apes. I especially enjoyed the reclining seat during the movie, cheehuu. After that, we grabbed desserts from Hokkaido Ice Cream and headed home. I thought I'd be knocked out by then but surprisingly, I felt mentally refreshed. So I picked up from where I left off and blogged till 4 in the morning.

The next day, I woke up just in time for lunch. I wanted to try out my new kettle but scalded myself in the process. I kinda forgot about it until I saw my palm red and swollen. Ate spaghetti again but ended up with a tummy ache this time. After lunch, I quickly headed out to wait for the bus but it never came, so I took a stroll instead. It drizzled. I thought it'd be nice to do something different yet again and so I headed for the gym. I had it all to myself for the first 15 minutes, which I thought was extremely pleasant, and spent another 30 minutes working out while enjoying the music. I then grabbed a can of 100plus from our newly opened 7-11 before heading down to the lake to spend some time blogging. I was distracted by the ducks and was mesmerized by the movement and sound of the fountain half of the time I was there. Went home for a quick shower and drove off in my friend's car later that evening. It's the kazillionth time she's asked me to drive. Usually, I'd decline but since this weekend I'm up to no good, I mean, up for something different, I drove! First time driving on the highway and passing the tow! Beep beep! It was super jammed though.

Well, that pretty much summed up my weekend. I still have a bunch of unresolved issues floating in my head but I feel recharged to deal with them now. Mmm, actually, I don't have time for that yet. First year report due in a few weeks, so... mm... prolonged stress? Sighs.

Wedding Galore

2011-09-10T08:44:00.002-10:00

I'm back at ghost town, all geared up for work! Mm, well... sorta. I had a nice and relaxing trip back home during Raya break and got to attend two weddings within the week! It was great fun. I especially enjoyed our family day at Labuan. Dad got a car and drove us around the island. Went to the Chimney Museum, the Peace Garden, Layang-Layangan beach, and more driving around that side of the island. I had the greatest time soaking in the sun, with the wind lashing across my cheeks; racing my siblings up the hill, fooling around like nothing else in the world mattered; splashing water by the beach, with sand trickling between my toes. Ah, I haven't felt so alive in a while! I'm falling in love with life all over again :)

Anyhow, back to the wedding. I've always enjoyed family weddings cause it was on such occasion that I first felt a strong sense of connection with my extended family. I wasn't extremely close with most of my cousins since I moved to Hawai'i at a young age, but I still remember how we got so hyped up for one of our cousin sisters' wedding two summers ago. We wrapped our arms around each other, laughed to tears, and sang from the depths of our hearts. We were there with one another, for each other; a bond so strong I could never imagine. It's an indescribable feeling.

So the first wedding was at KK; traditional Chinese custom of picking up the bride followed by an exchange of vows at the church. Somewhat awkward transition from the East to the West but it was nice. Our family members are mostly Buddhist. Seeing them humbling themselves to sing praise songs was a heartwarming sight. The craze started during the wedding dinner. As per usual, there was karaoke. Everyone cheered, clapped, and sang along with a little groove. But this time, one of our lovely cousins had to drag us on stage and I couldn't do anything but to laugh an awkward laugh and join in the fun. Towards the end of the wedding, my dad and his two bros got the scene heated up again. Everyone joined hands; danced, laughed and sang. There was so much joy overflowing :)

The next one was a poolside wedding at Labuan. I loved the setting. It was so adorable! Dear future husband, if you exist, can we please please please have a beachside wedding? :) Forgive me for daydreaming at 1:29am, I'll find myself foolish when I'm mentally awake again. Anyhow, this wedding was entirely different from the previous one. It was more laid back and relaxed, though for a good portion of the time, my little nephew clung onto me and I had to run after him every so often.

The weddings, as fun as they were, got me thinking about marriage. I have a foolish fear of being a cat lady. You know, the typical scene portrayed in movies in which an old lady sits quietly on her wooden rocking chair, petting her seven cats laying on her lap; an old lady whom no one will realize she's gone until the neighbors smell something funny. I don't even like cats, sniffles. K fine, I know I'm being pessimistic and melodramatic but I honestly can't be with someone just for the sake of being. I've seen quite a number of unfortunate marriages and I'd never want to be placed in that situation if I can help it. Yet, growing up in a loving family aspires me to build my own. Mmm, why am I thinking about this again? Oh right, weddings. Ah wells, I'm still young, or so I convince myself. My time will come :)

Roti prata for now :)

Egocentrism

2011-08-24T23:38:00.003-10:00

My heart must have gained a few pounds. It feels heavy of late.

Besides the stack of to-do list I have, a huge pile of to-think list is pressing for attention. I've been filling my life with noise recently; timid to embrace the quietness I once loved, timid to let my thoughts run wild. But tonight, it's me and silence, all alone. Internet malfunctioned so I can't soak up in some mindless tv show and laugh an empty laugh. I turned up the volume of my music but all I hear is silence, and my thoughts screaming to be heard.

I've been ignoring my thoughts for a while now cause I find it emotionally draining to think about them. I went through this whole emotional roller coaster about Plan X, knowing I can't just selfishly proclaim that I'm uncomfortable with the huge disruption it's gonna cause my life. After all, I know for a fact that it's the ideal plan for everyone else. Just when I convinced myself to accept it, the whole situation took a different turn. Everything's still up in the air but gah you have no idea how much distress it caused me. We're talking about major life changes after all. Oh well, that's that.

Less sensitive topic. So lately, I tend to have strong instinctive feelings about new people I met. I've been trying to make sense of them since some are, unfortunately, less positive than others. It's quite an interesting process to learn about your subconscious. I was amazed to discover that my cognitive processes have been working way overtime to figure things out right under my nose.

Anyhow, I recently met an extremely chatty girl who's totally engrossed with nothing but herself. I always thought I was a pretty good listener but clearly I haven't been challenged. After spending some time with her, I'd happily admit defeat. It's quite a horrific experience, I must say. I pray that I'd grow to be a humble person filled with love and care for others. Although I'm guilty of being egocentric at times, I make a conscious effort not to be. So much so that I feel like I'm losing my sense of identity.

I go by the principle of "do to others as you would have them do to you" Luke6:31. Thus, I nod along others' suggestions or decisions when I don't have a strong desire or objection; just because personally, I'd appreciate it when people value and are willing to accommodate my preference. Although that's my position, I suppose it may appear as if I'm not opinionated and people kinda just disregard what I have to say after a while. It's my fault. I brought myself into that situation. I tend to think about others so much that sometimes I forget myself along the way. I wonder if being a little more egocentric would do me any good? :)

醫治回憶

2011-07-23T09:03:00.014-10:00

如果說無知是福我想我從來不曾擁有它

早上八點被一通越洋電話吵醒迷迷糊糊聽著淚不自覺地流
甚麼時候開始重擔在我身上了？甚麼時候開始我成了關鍵人物？
那都沒關係但聽著對方述說我一直以來都看得見感受得到卻無法改變的一切讓我不禁為她感到心疼為他感到心酸了

總奢望自己能當個無憂無慮的小孩
或許沒享足無知的童年所以才特別渴望吧
偶爾釋放自己內心幼稚的小鬼過過干癮也開心

別人總說我是個懂事的孩子但我不過是自覺沒任性的權利
看多了聽多了懂事久了也會累的
我其實並沒那麼堅強

但比起我木馬我所必須面對的又算甚麼
所以我只能心疼地為她流著無止盡的淚窩囊地對著電腦螢幕訴苦

今天我難過了
好難過好難過

幸福女孩

2011-07-22T08:46:00.003-10:00

都是Plan X惹的禍

承認自己有口難言了所以才以充滿想像空間的神秘語言試圖隱藏些甚麼…
話說前幾天老媽從香港回來興致勃勃地和我分享了完美無缺的Plan X
以理智分析它確實是個完美計劃但我聽了卻有點膽怯有點焦躁
習慣是件很可怕的事改變亦然
當機會來了你有勇氣踏出第一步嗎？

這沈重的話題讓我重新思考關於過去現在未來的一切
翻了翻舊文讓我覺得現在的自己是無敵幸福的
最近的我真的過得很開心很滿足
雖然對這片土地的某些人事物頗有微詞但能為自己的夢想奮鬥是多麼奢侈的幸福啊
也感謝身旁的可愛天使們讓我在這荒郊野嶺也能感受到溫暖不覺孤單

至於未來嘛我還不敢深思
其實我是個懦弱的傢伙只不過理智得緊
只要認為該做的事再害怕再不願也會硬著頭皮完成
船到橋頭自然直我就暫且不自尋煩惱了

明天要回家了呢但這次的心情是複雜的
因為我們得召開家庭會議密談Plan X之事
我卻不知該如何自處

算了笑一笑沒甚麼大不了 :)

Japan

2011-07-18T05:44:00.001-10:00

I love exploring; walking with the gentle breeze brushing across my face, listening to nature sing the sweetest melody, daydreaming...

I used to enjoy my daily walks to school and weekly island adventures with my homie. But ever since I moved here, I feel like I've been trapped in air-conditioned rooms 24/7. I tried walking a few times, but my neighborhood isn't the safest place and there's no proper walkway for pedestrians so it was a hassle trying to stay alert and not fall into mud holes at the same time.

Point is, previous months have been emotionally draining for me and I felt like I needed a break from this routine, this place, this life. I was suffocating. Someone marvelous up above must have heard my prayers, cause before I know it, I was on a plane heading to Taiwan and Japan! Ah, I'm so so blessed!

So I first flew to Taiwan to meet up with my cousin and aunt before we departed for Japan. The plane ride was somewhat awkward since other passengers seated around us were middle aged businessmen all dressed up in suits and ties; and there we were, three girls all relaxed and joyful. Anyhow, this is my second experience in business class, woot! The meal wasn't that great but we had Haagen-Dazs for dessert, which made up for everything, really.

First day, we headed to Ginza. After having a huge bowl of ramen for lunch, we visited a 11-floored Abercrombie! Crazy huge but I like! Next stop was Uniqlo. Then, we hung around Hermes waiting for my aunt to complete her ultimate mission for this trip---shop! We were exhausted by the time we got back to the hotel so we decided to order room service: a first for me! Oh, and did I mention that the view from our room is amazing? It took my breath away :)

Next day, we headed to a restaurant at our hotel, Khishiki, for a buffet breakfast. Ah, I think I'm overwhelmed with feelings of joy and satisfaction. The food was so so good! I had croissants, fruit yogurt, salad with salmon, bacon, sausage, Nakamura eggs, and more fruits! Mm I suppose it doesn't sound that impressive but trust me, it was! And the view equally breath-taking. Today was shopping day. We went to Omotesandou, Shibuya, and Shinjuku. I love how lively and full of persona the city is. The most interesting part of the day was lunch! We went to this little self served ramen store where we had to order and pay at a vending machine and ate at little cubicles where food was served through a tiny window situated in front of you. It was so cute! I've always wanted to try slurping ramen and so I finally did! I was a total failure though. I promised my cousin I'll master the art of slurping in the near future :)

We visited Asakusa on the third day. Went to Kaminarimon where they prayed while I had a good time observing people and taking pictures. That afternoon, we had the most amazing lunch at Tofuya Ukai (http://www.ukai.co.jp/english/shiba/)! Famous for their tofu, as the name of the restaurant implies, I was particularly impressed with their fried tofu and tofu dunked in soya bean. Usually, I'd stay away from tofu and red bean but today's lunch totally changed my mind. In addition to our delightful meal, we also had a magnificent view from our room since the restaurant's located at the foot of Tokyo tower and surrounded by beautifully tended zen gardens. Later that evening, we took the subway back to Kaminarimon to pick up a few things and headed back to Nihonbashi, where our hotel's situated. We picked up some fruits from Sembikiya, which apparently is the best fruit store in town, then walked over to Mitsukoshi, where we had the most amazing melon juice. Dinner was solved with another day of room service and I finally understood why the fruits were crazy expensive! They were so mouth-wateringly sweet I could shed tears of joy!

Last two days were dedicated to DisneySea and Disneyland! I felt like a little kid engulfed in overflowing joy :) I can't describe how much fun we had. Even the smallest thing, starring at a bottle cap for example, made me smile from the depths of my heart. Boy am I in love with life :)

Our last dinner at Tokyo was the best ever. We went to a restaurant at our hotel, Sushi Sora, for the most amazing sushi course. The chef that served us that night had the coolest slicing skills. Mm, I may be slightly biased though cause I think everyone who cooks is genius. But I must say I'm not quite impaired in food tasting. I'm hardly impressed with food, but our entire trip was drowned with amazing meals! It was such a rare but enjoyable experience for me to be excited about food!

Besides Japan, I had an equally good time at Taiwan. Not much exploration, but I got to catch up with my grandma and cousins from Hawaii. Alrighty, I suppose I shall end here for now cause I feel extremely long-winded. This must have been the most pampering trip I've ever been on. I feel like a spoiled kid but I'm so so happy :D I can't thank Him enough for this wonderful and much needed vacation. I feel rejuvenated and ready to work again.

As I always say, traveling is my source of inspiration :)

Love

2011-07-08T21:40:00.001-10:00

It's been half a year, I really should start learning how to love my life. I'm truly grateful for everything, but subconsciously, I'm suppressing the negative feelings I have towards this land, trying so hard to ignore that empty void in my heart. Is it silly to say that I'm experiencing culture shock in the country where I was born?

It all started with an innocent question of "Don't you miss Hawaii?" Thus far, I don't feel a strong sense of attachment to any particular place on earth. Yet, I do miss the American culture. I miss being respected as an individual and being treated as equals. Where has humanity gone on this side of the earth?

During last Sunday's service, it was mentioned that foreign speakers who visited this country described it as a "land of oppression." I couldn't agree more. I feel like my wings are taken away from me. If one does not transform into a person of worth, of authority, of fame, no one gives a damn about you. The wings that were rightfully yours would be snatched away from your bare hands. Being true to yourself without additional fluff that the society values will never be enough for you to soar the limitless sky. It's spiteful. I condemn the society's twisted sense of value, yet because of who I am not, what can I do?

So apparently, there's a rally going on tomorrow in town. Citizens are demanding a clean and fair election; an election whereby the outcome will be a true reflection of the citizens' vote. In my worthless opinion, the government's respond is absolutely ridiculous. The rally is declared illegal because of its "threat" to the country and everyone wearing the yellow t-shirt in support of the rally will be arrested. Roads will be blocked, public transportation's frequency reduced, possible cut offs of phone lines and internet connection, and to top it all off, the government will be using tax payers' money to purchase water canon and tear gas to ward off tax payers who are advocating for what they deem righteous. What on earth is happening here? Whatever happened to the freedom of speech, freedom of expression, and freedom of assembly? Is this some kind of child's play? Honestly, it's like incompetent parents trying to deal with their child's discontentment. Because of the parents' incapability to handle and reason with their child, the only thing they can do is to use their waning authority to ground them. No phone, no internet, no stepping out of the house for the whole weekend! That's exactly what the government's doing.

I'm so afraid of turning into a hateful person that I try so hard not to let these negative feelings overwhelm me and blind my sight. It's not like I could change it anyway, so what good does it do? But ignoring these feelings doesn't diminish them. It's slowly taking its toll on me. I still know not how to deal with these dissatisfaction but I suppose acknowledging them is a good start.

As in my previous blog where I insanely wrote to my future self, I can only pray that I will continuously stay true to myself and not loose sight of what's most important in life.

Praying for the country and its innocent inhabitants.

2011-06-20T04:29:00.000-10:00

It amazes me when I'm reminded of how much joy and satisfaction I'm capable of feeling :D

2011-06-01T19:10:00.000-10:00

我是個笨小孩

執著的笨小孩

Equilibrium

2011-04-24T17:00:00.281-10:00

My soul longs to break free; to soar above the sky or... to dance in the rain :) But lately, it's losing its vitality and resulted in my first minor breakdown since I moved here. My subconscious would like to degrade it to Monday blues, but who am I kidding.

It all started with a slight discomfort of being taken advantaged of at work. I wish I had a stronger character and would stand up for myself, but because of my meekness, I was drowned in piles and piles of work, rushing to meet deadlines after deadlines. Working for more than two full weeks, trapped in my little dorm drove me crazy. I was so caught up with work that even my mind and body protested against me---I had my first work-related dream and fell sick over the week.

I felt like I was losing my sense of balance. Work was taking up a huge portion of my time and, basically, I have no life. I took a step back to reflect upon the way I was living and tried to spice up my life! I'm proud to say that I'm progressing! I've been spending more time with friends; visited a few beaches to brush up on my almost-non-existent photography skills; bought a practice pad and a pair of drumsticks to learn a few rudiments; picked up Rick Warren's Purpose Driven Life; and the list goes on.

What was more mind boggling was the fact that I felt mentally drained because my output and input is greatly disproportionate in certain aspects of my life. For example, I've recently transformed into a magnet that attracts people who expects me to do things for them under unreasonable circumstances without the tiniest hint of consideration. I'm more than willing to lend a helping hand whenever needed but the attitude and frequency of these requests make me question the necessity of my compliance with someone who clearly doesn't appreciate my effort. I've been trying to soak in the idea that "being at a disadvantageous position is actually advantageous" (rough translation of 吃虧＝佔便宜) but it's a hard concept to grasp. I'm still learning.

Well, that's that. It's been a rough week but I survived with the grace of God, so yeap, it's all good!

Imperfectly Perfect

2011-03-17T03:44:00.001-10:00

Humans are complex creatures. I feel like I'm being melodramatic, but I honestly believe that mastering interpersonal relationship is an art in itself.

Earlier in the month, multiple events that happened either directly related to me or to the people around me gave me a huge wake-up call. I have difficulty trusting; hence the teeny-weeny amount of people that I make an effort to build and maintain a good relationship. Yet recently, things that happened made me rethink what true friendships really mean and who I can truly consider friends. What do you do when you realize that all your beliefs were nothing but lies? How can you learn to trust yourself again, before anything else? Don't worry, I'm not facing a crisis or anything, but it made me realize how things could possibly transform into major issues and get out of control. It's frightening how fragile a relationship can be, but it also made me cherish the sincere relationships that I have even more than before.

It's so difficult to meet an open-minded person who share the same values and interests as you do. I'm glad to say I know one person who thinks on the same frequency as I do: my mom! Hah, she's like my #1BFF who can read my mind! I'm also grateful for the few friends that I continually have meaningful conversations with! The exchange of thoughts and ideas can be so rejuvenating!

Anyhow, I don't mean to magnify the problems that are continually present in life. I just needed to remind the perfectionist side of me that we live in an imperfect world and that's not gonna change. What can be changed is our perception of the world. So... bust out those rose-colored glasses when needed! :)

Singapore

2011-03-14T02:58:00.000-10:00

Based on personal preference and possibly bias, limited exposure, or premature judgment, China and Singapore are two countries that I can't imagine myself living at. But no, it's not my final verdict. I'm open-minded and willing to change my mind about things when necessary :)

I've just visited Singapore for the third time over the past 12 months and I seem to be changing my mind about this country every time I visit. Last March, my friend and I stayed at a friend's dorm at NUS. During this visit, I was quite pleased with the customer service, namely an extremely bubbly bus driver and polite staffs at Universals, but had mixed feelings about the education system. The standard's up to par and students are actively involved in various activities but operationally, it seems rigid and unyielding, which added on to my initial dislike of the competitive nature that's fostered because of a society's strong emphasis on classism. In general, I upheld my slightly negative view of the country.

However, my second visit last December was a positive experience from the very beginning. Before departure, I was searching for directions and, to my amazement, their official public transport website planned out detailed routes for me. While debating if I should take a cab, I was also given detailed estimates of the cost, taking factors such as peak hours, into account. When I was there, I had an enjoyable time with my cousin. We had fun shopping, enjoyed our Japanese meals, and I was impressed with several fashionably clean bathrooms. It was awesome! Although it's highly possible that I had a good time mainly because I had great company.

Anyhow, I've just came back from Singapore with my dad last night, and I no longer know what I think of it anymore. When we arrived, my dad and I took a stroll alongside the Singapore River, passed by a whole stretch of restaurants with kazillion expats socializing with mugs of beer in hand, strolled along Marina Bay and was impressed with the man-made decorations and architectures that beautified the place, then had a marvelous dinner at artificial road-side hawkers. While walking back, we came across an outdoor music festival called Mosaic. We stopped by to enjoy some good music and I was pleasantly surprised at the existence of such publicly available events. Plus, not only was it a full house, there were rows of audiences standing at the back! I noticed that a good portion of the audiences were single working adults that came to enjoy music alone, and I paid great compliments to the flourishing of such culture. I even told my dad that I seem to be gaining a more positive outlook each time I visit Singapore. I might have jinxed it cause my experience went downhill next day onwards. During this visit, I dragged my dad to stay at a hostel with me and yes it was a clean one, as one would expect from this extremely tidy city. Initially, I was extremely excited to pick up my backpack again, but it was different from my experience in Europe. Yes the hostel was clean, yes we had food, hot shower, wi-fi, tv, dvds, and a bookshelf full of books, but it was different. It wasn't vibrant nor full of life. It was odd. After a quick bite at the hostel, we headed to Orchard Road to do some shopping. First purchase was a band-aid. My dad requested politely for a band-aid and he got a little extra: bad attitude. The old man's response was "bandage is a cloth for serious injuries that needs wrapping, plaster is what you want." Honestly, we're not even asking for a bandage. What we want is a band-aid, sir, band-aid. It's the I-know-it-all-which-makes-me-better-so-I'll-look-down-at-you attitude that irked me. Encountered another lady with attitude the next day. My dad wanted to try an Azuki Red Bean and thus I ordered as requested, but turns out there were two Azuki Red Beans on the menu: a Japanese Azuki Red Bean and an Azuki Red Bean. We realized it before the lady made the drink and so we told her what we wanted was the Japanese one and she got mad mumbling about how Japanese Azuki Red Bean and Azuki Red Bean are two different things. Seriously, we're first time customers who aren't familiar with your menu.What's all the fuss about? All you have to do is tell us. Anyhow, I really shouldn't be irritated about these minor things, but I just can't understand how people don't get the concept of "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" Mat 7:12. Times like these, I miss Hawai'i and the friendly strangers inhibiting the island.

Ah well, done with my immature ramblings. It bothers me when the perfectionist side of me, in regards to work ethics, kicks in. I always feel like people should make the effort to do their best in their jobs, cause that's the career that your life's depended on, but I guess I need to get over the fact that everyone has their own values and thoughts, thus creating a diverse society. If everyone was to work efficiently, I suppose the world would potentially be mechanical and dull, similar to what Aldous Huxley portrayed in his novel Brave New World. There's two sides of the same coin, so try to find a balance in life and focus on the bright side. You may never find the perfect environment, but what's important is finding the right group of people who share the same values as you do, the right group of people who are supportive in your journey to the future.

Expats

2011-03-01T03:21:00.001-10:00

so one of our friends was telling us how expats with negative mindsets are unappreciative of the Malaysian culture, that they hold on to their own set of expectations and do not make the effort to immerse in the culture. I took a look at the blog that she referred us to and couldn't help bursting into laughter! I gotta admit that I can empathize with this particular expat, minus the sarcasm. I think it's more about ethics and values rather than culture per se. But if you're putting the blame on culture for inefficiency and lack of progression, then I have nothing better to say. Well, the purpose of this post isn't to complain so I won't get into the details of the content of the blog, but I guess I've learned a few things from this conversation.

1. People can be very defensive of their country or culture, so try to be extremely positive cause honesty doesn't cut it (Trust me, I've made this mistake once and boy was it awkward).

2. I suppose now I can understand why I feel like an outsider. but on a brighter note, I feel less awkward knowing that there are people out there that feel the same as I do.

Lab Report Glossary

2011-02-21T03:32:00.000-10:00

Marking lab reports drove me crazy. They left me speechless and I must have spent hours thinking of nicer ways to express my thoughts. As a result, I've compiled a handy list of comments that may reduce my stress level when marking the remaining ones.

1. It doesn't make sense at all!
- work on logical flow

2. You're throwing in a random sentence that doesn't tie in with everything else!
- please elaborate

3. How is this important? Why are you telling me this?
- bracket sentence and comment "unnecessary"

4. What are you talking about? Stop using big words if you don't know what it means!
- use clear and concise language
- writing mechanics, word usage, and grammar contain errors that affect paper's content

5. Don't just jot down a bunch of numbers, what's your interpretation of it?
- besides reporting it, you should explain what it means

Googlebrain

2011-02-21T03:07:00.001-10:00

We no longer remember phone numbers, cause we have cell phones to save them; we are poor in arithmetic, cause we have calculators to do the calculations; we don't worry about directions, cause we have GPS to figure out the shortest route. All that we need to know is accessible through some sort of electronic device. So what's next? Implanting a microchip that stores all essential information in our brain?

Quick retrieval from more than a thousand databases, customizable profiles for various occasions, minimum two years contract, recyclable for a new virtual brain, and yea, most likely owned by google.

Dear Me

2011-02-20T02:22:00.000-10:00

Dear 24-year-old Self,

I feel odd and silly writing this but I feel the need to remind myself the necessity of staying true to thyself. You may have been thrown into a situation that you are not ready for, but please please please, do not compromise your values and beliefs. Don't compromise just to fit in cause you're gonna lose yourself along the way. It's an ongoing challenge but don't worry, you'll survive!

Hang in there, buddy.

Still sane,
Your 21-year-old Self :)

PhD Comics

2011-02-09T15:49:00.004-10:00

PhD Comics, my new daily read. It's quite humorous to read about the exaggerated truth of a grad student's life. I guess it's somewhat comforting to know that there are others out there going through the same thing, and that we're all surviving and still able to get a good laugh out of it, hah. Anyhow, I came across this one and could really identify with the last few boxes. In fact, I've just blogged about it two posts ago. I guess I'd say I'm a Chinese American born in Malaysia, currently living in a country I no longer call home but still mildly attached to just because my "home" is coincidentally located on that piece of land. or to a stranger, I'd shorten that to, yea I'm Malaysian. and life goes on...

So What?

2011-01-19T07:47:00.000-10:00

Is it unhealthy to suppress your thoughts and feelings about a situation if you have no control over the situation itself? I find myself asking my conscience the same question over and over again; so what? Not in disdain, not out of spite, but helplessness. If you're dissatisfied, so what? If there's nothing you can do about it, so what? You may feel uncomfortable or even out of place, so what? Life goes on. You either live with it and survive, or you don't.

so... to end in a positive note, I started a new year's project inspired by 1000awesomethings.com, in which I'm listing down one positive aspect of life each day to remind myself of how wonderful life can be and to embrace life in its fullest. Cheers to a new year!

Lost Identity

2010-12-07T23:44:00.000-10:00

❤ HEY *wide grin* I'm Chrystalle *shakes hand*
★ Hey *shakes hand* I'm Stranger. Nice to meet you. Are you from here?
❤ No, I'm from [depending on my mood or where the person's from, I'd answer Hawai'i, or...] Sabah.
★ Oooh Sabah! *with that knowing look on his/her face*
❤ Mmhmm [Thinks in head: Does that tell you anything? Cause it sure isn't telling me anything about myself. Who am I anyway?]

so I've been meeting a lot of new people recently and there goes the usual "Oh, what's your name? Where are you from?" Which got me thinking... who am I anyway? What makes me who I am? What defines me? What do I identify with? While getting to know someone, location seems like a popular question to satisfy curiosity. But whenever I answer Sabah, all I get is an echo in my heart. It screams nothing but a noun to me. So what's the deal? Am I but a lost soul wandering aimlessly on this planet?

2010-11-10T02:15:00.000-10:00

I uncovered one of my unconscious today. so I was chatting with a friend and he was surprised that I was okay with taking public transportation because he thought I was a spoiled brat. I guess I can't blame those who don't know me well, but it made me realize that I always had a fear of being labeled as such. For some reason, I always think that I'm unworthy of anything. But when I talk to my mom about it, she would always encourage me to do whatever I want and not care about everything else cause, as she always tells me, I deserve it. You know what? Maybe I do. I'm an independent being. I'm a normal, functioning being who can do everything I need to do by myself. Even if I can't, I'll find a way around it. I'm not dependent on others in whatever I do. I take care of my own expenses. I don't go whining for allowance or begging for this and that. I can do what I do because I worked hard for it, alright? Studying full-time while taking up two part-time jobs for all these years gotta pay off. Okay, I don't know where I'm getting at but I guess I just can't stand the fact of being judged while all my hard work and effort goes down the drain. Whatever, why should I even care? Truth prevails over everything.

Okay, I'm done rambling and will get into terms with myself soon :)

2010-11-09T04:59:00.000-10:00

For the past month, all I do from 9 to 5 is read, read, and read. and so, I couldn't bear the thought of doing more readings when I get home. but today, I hit on my Hillsong playlist and miraculously picked up Jaeson Ma's The Blueprint, hah. I did a quick flashback on the happenings of the past few months and could feel nothing but gratefulness. Looking back at how everything fell into place, it's magical. But of course it's no magic, it's His favors, His blessings, His arrangements. Aaah... At the beginning of the year, establishing my faith torn me into pieces. But now, I'm just so grateful that I can say "I believe in You" without a doubt!

Appointment

2010-11-06T22:30:00.001-10:00

"Heaven is open. God is speaking. You're not here by chance. It's not a cushy place, but it's a place appointed by God."

Father, are you trying to speak to me through today's sermon? If this is Your will, so be it. Although I made up my mind to accept your divine arrangement long before everything fell into place, there seem to be a tiny voice deep in my heart begging to differ. God, have you heard that scream that I've been trying to suppress? Are you trying to reassure me that I'm ascending the right hill of God?

and while I worship You, while my heart's filled with Your overflowing love, God You spoke. You know everything about me, Father. You've seen what I've been struggling so hard with and You acnowledge it, o Lord. It's only with Your strength that I can do anything. If this is Your will, I will obey.

Blind

2010-10-28T04:55:00.000-10:00

Tell me humans are kind creatures and that the world is a beautiful place. I lost my rose-colored glasses and can't seem to see love floating in the air. I weep for what I see; for what the world has become and what has become of us.

Stereotyping and racism are both despicable, yet almost everyone's susceptible to it. I frown upon both, yet I'm guilty of both. An unconscious act of differentiation embedded deep within me. Although I try to suppress, I still feel uncomfortable, or even afraid, around certain groups of people. Yet for what I love, I was willing to take a chance. I wanted to throw away all my prejudice, put differences aside, and try to connect with a different group of people based upon our commonality. I took the step, but was thrown back to square one. I'm so upset. I can't stand my ground and say no, because deep within me, I'm still dubious. I took a step, hoping to be proved otherwise. But I lost my chance. I want to tear down each and every label stuck on everyone's forehead and burn them into ashes. Why does color matter? Why should it matter? Life shouldn't revolve around hatred or fear, but love.

To Be

2010-10-22T05:37:00.002-10:00

To be or not to be. That is the question.

Life has been so hectic that I haven’t had the time to engulf in quietness and reflect upon things. I miss doing that, so here I am, tapping away on my itouch. So, I’ve been reading and reading and reading a fair amount of journals. The more I read about autism, the more I feel I’m autistic, hah. Ok ok, I’m just letting my imagination run wild. But to a certain extent, we probably do have certain autistic features in us. Anyhow, I think I’m in the process of trying to get in terms with myself. Just when I thought I’m getting to know myself better after a month long trip, I got lost again. While trying to make sense of the whole situation, Shakespeare’s famous line—to be or not to be—popped up in my head. You know what? That’s exactly what needs to be done! To be! To be what your heart sings, to be what your soul screams! Throw away all boundaries and limitations, cause you deserve more than that! Just BE, and everything will fall into place. You’ll see :)

Anew

2010-10-03T04:30:00.000-10:00

So! I've just started my new life, new job, and my new course! and so far, it has been cuh-ray-zee! I had a full day training course on my first day. Plus, there was a Psychology conference going on the upcoming weekend, so our Dean held a "welcome-foreign-speakers" party at his place. Caught a ride with my collegue to get in town right after school, socialized (which is exceptionally tiring for me), and yea, I crashed as soon as I got back to my cousin's place. Two full days again for the conference and, of course, more socializing. I feel exceptionally dumb around exceptionally smart people. Even on our ride back, conversations are still based upon "intellectual topics." Phew. I think it's an overload for my tiny little brain and I feel totally incompetent. But, in a good way (if that's even possible). Well, challenges push you forward, right? I'm ready for it! I really need to take on the mentality that there's nothing to lose. I shouldn't be holding back. I'm given such a great learning environment and well-educated peers, I really need to get into it. Ah... I'm exhausted after a long weekend, but so content :)

Wish

2010-09-14T19:29:00.001-10:00

Honestly, I should be satisfied with my life. I have everything I could ever ask for. But somehow, there's a tiny little sorrow tugging the corner of my heart. I can't explain it, yet I can't deny it. I've been trying to suppress it, to ignore it, but it wouldn't go away. Ah, what should I do. Even if I were given a wish, I wouldn't know what to wish for.

Nostalgia

2010-09-07T11:11:00.002-10:00

I hold on to a small wish that maybe one day when I get married, I'll go back to Hawaii for my honeymoon! But these days, I've been hoping to visit way before that.

I miss the island that I grew up at. I miss the burning sun, the soft wind. I miss the ocean and the mountains. I miss walking. I miss theBus, espeically 1 and 58. I miss Waikiki. I miss Kahala Beach. I miss clean toilets and theaters. I miss getting Yogurtland after school and Jamba Juice during work break. I miss Dippin Dots. I miss sleepovers. I miss sliding down spiral staircases in a sleeping bag. I miss pool parties. I miss fitting a floatie boat in a pool. I miss water balloon fights. I miss Cherisse and Traci. I miss hanging out at parking lots late at night cause we don't know where to go. I miss wearing pretty floral dresses to work. I miss working with little kids. I miss pandora.com. I miss google.com. I miss shakas. I miss wearing sweaters. I miss my David and Goliath boxers. I miss AE undies. I miss monthly scary movie nights with Gina. I miss watching Boy Meets World or just talking about nonesense with my roomie on sleepless nights. I miss studying at Barnes and Noble. I miss Victoria's Secret's lotion. I miss Bath and Body's hand sanitizer. I miss spam musubis. I miss Leonard's malasadas. I miss eurotrip planning with Jackie during lunch time. I miss ordering chicken summer rolls but switching for a shrimp summer roll with Shari at Balle. I miss Aloha Friday. I miss flowers. I miss hanging out at Kahala Mall till midnight. I miss visiting Gina at Banana. I miss trying out new cafes with Jade. I miss red Falcons and green Warriors. I miss marching band. I miss Christmas. I miss 808. I miss that piece of rock in the middle of nowhere!

What I'm trying to say is... I miss HAWAII! <3

05:23

2010-09-07T11:00:00.001-10:00

There are just some times when there are so much thoughts in your head, that when you toss and turn in the middle of the night, you're struck by one of them and become wide awake. Ah... sleepless nights.

Travel Blog

2010-06-27T17:30:00.003-10:00

is here :)

http://www.wretch.cc/blog/chrystaloha

Fido Dido!

2010-04-14T19:56:00.001-10:00

When writing an abstract for our thesis, we had to include five keywords that summarize what our thesis is about. To sum up my week in five words, it would have to be...

KEYWORDS: HAPPY, MOTIVATED, PRODUCTIVE, SATISFIED, EXCITED.

Life may be full of twist and turns, rough and bumps, but it's also full of surprises! I'm hyper excited about my life! I don't know what the future has in store for me, but the process of working hard is satisfying in and of itself. I really need to learn the attitude of "who cares what the world thinks." Thankfully, I've been immersed in my own world, keeping my eyes focused on what really matters. I need to keep practicing and maintaining what I've been doing and just leave everything else to Him.

GANBATTE :)

Diamond

2010-04-09T18:58:00.000-10:00

My brain is a bucket full of liquid: mineral water, raindrops, acid.

If only it could transform into a water filter: capable of separating nutrients from germs, absorbing the first and disposing the latter.

I see, I saw, I've seen

2010-03-31T18:01:00.006-10:00

I'm back from my not-quite-relaxing "sight-seeing" trip! haha. Yes! That's how I'd summarize it. hmm, so where should I start?

Airline was such a disappointment. Even though it's a low cost airline, I don't think consumers should need to deal with workers' attitude. If you don't like your job, do something about it. There goes a check mark for Malaysia's tourism and customer service. I'm starting to miss friendly strangers back at Hawaii.

More chaos? Bangkok was a no-go, so we had to buy another ticket to Singapore 48 hours before departure. Lucky we received credit back for the Bangkok tickets after much confusion and trouble. Meaning, more planning to do!

Hmm... Let's see. so I got to meet up with my buddy, sam, strolled through the night market, and tried "smelly tofu" for the first time. Squeezed in a single bed, shivered in cold water shower, and indulged in sam-cooked noodles. As for Singapore, Universal Studios was our best reward.

Anyhow, although it wasn't an incredibly fun trip, I felt like I've seen and learned a lot. Can't get into the details, but I guess I received a lot of warning lights pertaining to life. Pit in front, do not proceed; car crash ahead, please turn left; or traffic light damaged, keep to your right. hah, yes that's about it. I now have a clearer vision of what I should do and what I want to do.

I'M MOTIVATED :)

Wind

2010-03-21T17:02:00.002-10:00

I am graduated and unemployed. Yes, I chose to be. I know what I'm doing. I have my own plans. so don't worry and just let me be. so don't judge and just let me free. just wait and you will see :)

Every now and then, music mesmerizes me, giving me a whole different perspective about the world. Today is one of those days.

My flight's tomorrow and I still don't know where I'm going. I have two tickets in my pocket, and one may be going down the drain. To be honest, I'm a little tired to leave home. Why do I feel like people are just wanting me to do everything for them? I need to learn to say no. For now, let me just throw some shirts in my bag and prepare my journey to who-knows-where.

Language

2010-03-17T21:18:00.002-10:00

Language is an interesting subject. Though I can hardly make up my mind which language I'm most comfortable with.

I like English when I need to say what I have to say. Just plain and simple. Straight out of my mind, with mmms, hmmms, and a little ah has. but when I can't say things out loud, Chinese is the better choice. It's amazing how much imagination or different directions the same words can lead you to. It's easy to hide feelings behind impartial words. So much guessing, so much uncertainties, so much room for imagination!

Not wanting to forget either language, I have a habit of writing my thoughts in Chinese while I'm at an English speaking country. Now that I'm back at Malaysia, it's turning the other way around! Lucky I need not hide anything ;)

Song of the day: Falling in love at a coffee shop by Landon Pigg

DREAM

2010-03-07T23:20:00.002-10:00

DREAM [dreem]

-noun

1. a succession of images, thoughts, or emotions passing through the mind during sleep.

I dreamed a dream, that took away most of my doubts. Now, I just need to strengthen my faith :) Buuuuut, nightmares are bugging me as well. I'm just glad they're not a reflection of reality and everyone is safe and sound :)

2. a vision voluntarily indulged in while awake; daydream; reverie.
DREAM, DREAM BIG! I guess this could be my "new year's resolution," though it's a little late for that. I've been overly realistic and, as a result, set too much boundaries for myself. I need to let my imagination run wild and be less of a control freak, heh.

3. an aspiration; goal; aim.
so I'll just DREAM. That's what I need to learn. Getting out of my comfort zone and just dream. Not settling for what I can do, but challenging what I can't. This is my goal :)

Alien

2010-01-31T16:31:00.002-10:00

I'm blessed to be with my family, period. That's the only thing that I am sure of. Other than that, my thoughts are running wild and out of control! I haven't had much time to be alone and ponder upon my thoughts since I'm home, so I shall make an effort today and hopefully understand my lost self better.

I feel out of place. Did I turn from a quiet kid into an autistic one? blah. I'm so content being with the only person who understands me that I'm tired to even try to socialize with people. I feel disconnected with the world, but yet part of me feels so alive being with the ones I love. I'm such a contradiction.

Religion is giving me an even harder time. I don't know who I am. I don't know what I want. I don't know what I should believe in. Sometimes, I feel like I should just stop trying to make sense of things and let it be. Maybe it's better that way. But in the process of letting go, I don't know what I'm doing. I feel like I'm wasting the days of my life. ah!

I'm looking forward to Europe! I'm in search of something. I have no idea what it is, but I'll know it when I find it. Perhaps it's just a need to get away from everything, to take a break and start anew, to find a place that I feel at ease, to appreciate life, to know myself better, to know God. Whatever it is, I'm looking forward to it. cause now, I feel completely lost.

like an alien on Earth.

2009-11-28T22:47:00.004-10:00

好像每個人都在找尋另一個自己

頻率相同的另一個知己

I believe God sent you in my life to train my patience, endurance, love, mercy, tolerance, and everything else that I might be lacking. Bittersweet. One day, I'll thank you for everything you taught me. As of now, I'm still learning.

21 days till graduation! 29 till home? I think I need to be home soon. My energy's running low. I need a recharge.

2009-11-22T21:20:00.002-10:00

CHAOS! each time I finish a chunk of work, thinking that I'll have a more relaxing weekend to catch a breath, more work piles up. stress is a never-ending cycle. taking a second glance at my schedule book, I believe it true. I honestly can't wait till the semester's over! gah. and as if school isn't stressful enough, emotional distress decided to join the fun! this past week was just awfully stressful! and it's not even ending yet! but I'm so blessed to have my family's full support. they are the reason why I'm still physically and emotionally intact. acknowledging this fact makes me homesick. I just wanna be where my loves are. I wouldn't call Malaysia my home, but that's where my heart is, with the people I love, so that's where I wanna be.

please oh please. let me survive through the semester! I can handle the workload but not the emotional distress, it's driving me insane! can we just say goodbye?

2009-11-11T22:22:00.002-10:00

LOOK SAM! humongous text just for you :)

❤ blah. life is full of contradictions. I don't know me no more. still trying to come to terms with everything.

❤ found peace in worship tonight. realized that I haven't been listening to silence or engulfing myself in darkness for a while. I think I shall set aside those earphones more often and hear the wind whisper soft melodies :)

❤ I think it will be a good change for me to stop laying out my life on a piece of paper and just go with the flow. my first start was to give up on grad app this year. not sure if it's a good thing, but it was definitely a hard decision. I have no clue what I'm gonna do for the next 18 months and that freaks me out, just a little. still not comfortable with the idea of not knowing what's ahead of me, but I can give it a try :)

❤ an idea popped up in my head earlier this afternoon! could it be a message from heavens above? :) I'm super excited about it! still debating if it's a possible plan to follow through so I'm keeping it a secret for now.

❤ thesis is giving me a headache. save me.

2009-11-07T17:10:00.002-10:00

- A thing called "giri"

- Disconnected

- I miss love

- Owl City

- Moulin Rogue

- C'est la vie

Mixed Feelings

2009-11-04T22:24:00.004-10:00

sighs. I've been really happy and content these days. Not because problems are drifting away, but cause I'm learning to love life as it is. There's still a lot of chaos going on, but I feel so blessed to be living :) ah, and the discovery of new music makes me feel very much alive!

Anyhow, I was talking to a friend tonight and got really sentimental (even before leaving!) Aaaah! It's starting to hit me that I'm leaving this place for good too soon! Despite all negativity, I know I'm gonna miss Hawaii. "Forever" can be a scary thought, and to think that I'll never see some of my friends ever again! How can that be? I was thinking deeply into this matter and realize that as much as I love this place, even if I could magically erase all negativity, this isn't the place for me. As much as I'll miss Hawaii, I'd still have to move on.

and and and! for the first time, I'm listening to my heart, turning daydreams into reality! AH, the excitement ♥

2009-11-01T20:42:00.002-10:00

so this past Wednesday, I was running some errands and a thought hit me. I wanted to settle down. Not getting married and building a family, but having a steady life and a place I can call home. Though I understand that it's a life long process, I guess I'm just a little tired of not knowing who I am or where I belong. Hmm... I shall save this thought for later. As of now, I'm good. Struggling, but living my life to the fullest :)

童話

2009-10-25T23:11:00.003-10:00

很久很久以前在一座孤島的城堡里住了個小女孩

這女孩從小無依無靠只好寄宿繼父和新姊姊家中

當時的她抱著顆期待的心踏入城堡嚮往未來生活

不料小女孩的希冀很快便像泡沫般蒸發

只因繼父是個任意妄為隨心所欲的國王

而新姊姊更是自私地想把她除之而後快

當她拖洗著城堡里的旋轉樓梯

看著梯子轉呀轉的

腦筋也轉個不停

⋯人生就這樣了嗎？

當她替城堡前的白保時捷打蠟

望著車身閃呀閃的

警鈴也持續閃爍

⋯不該輕言放棄的！

當她清洗著城堡後的寬敞泳池

盯著落葉漂呀漂的

思緒也漂個老遠

⋯為夢想而活好不？

寄人籬下的日子里小女孩默默忍耐委屈藏在心頭

飽受煎熬的日子里小女孩默默承受眼淚往肚里吞

未達目標的日子里小女孩默默努力眼光直視遠方

小女孩累了睡了

緊閉眼簾思緒卻不停歇

想著醒來後的世界會不會是幸福快樂的開始

and so the little girl sleeps, wondering if she'll ever wake up to her happily ever after.

我的祢

2009-10-16T20:11:00.004-10:00

遠離是非無奈的我有口難言

卸下武裝軟弱的我欲哭無淚

不掉入陷阱不愚蠢上鉤

不因謊言而恨不因欺壓而怒

佯裝的堅強卻被那一湧而上的委屈擊敗

當我絕望地禱告祢聽見了嗎

是否會有雜訊干擾收訊不佳

別丟下我一人面對這世界好不

2009-10-13T00:45:00.002-10:00

坐在電腦前望著那熟悉的面孔生疏得說不出一句話

心裡的那道牆似乎又漸漸築起和世界慢慢隔離

突然覺得好孤單

夏日

2009-10-04T10:50:00.003-10:00

投入大地的懷抱

讓豔陽晒傷皮膚留下它親吻的痕跡

凝視咆哮的海浪激起潔白浪花一波波停靠岸邊

讓和風輕拂臉頰傾聽它窸窣的耳語

感受溫熱的細碎沙子穿過指縫一顆顆黏著腳丫

sun, sea, wind, sand.

T恤、短褲、夾腳拖

我想我是愛上這種生活了：）

九久

2009-10-01T10:40:00.005-10:00

“當我微笑時，世界和我一起微笑；

當我快樂時，世界和我一起活躍。”

卡車

2009-09-17T21:33:00.005-10:00

苦惱著該怎麼跨上卡車後廂

前腳還未踏入就見那黑卡車緩速前行

司機先生是來我家兜一圈也不載我就拍拍屁股走人的意思嗎哈

踉蹌著跌入後座坐在髒髒的卡車後廂

吹著涼涼微風看著漫天星光

啊⋯這就是人生呀！：）

心星

2009-09-15T21:32:00.002-10:00

漆黑的夜佈滿了點點星光

夜色之優美震得我不禁緩下腳步眨巴著眼仰望著那滿天星斗

兩年了敬愛的您踏上那一去不返的旅程

失落的我總悄悄想著您默默流著淚

那脆弱的意志不敢挑釁凍結的情緒

不敢觸碰那結了霜的防護害怕失控

就淡淡回味著與您微乎其微的回憶

在腦海中不斷播放抵不過思念

兩年了親愛的您好久不見

兩年了陌生的您依然想念

夢中的您和記憶中一般意氣風發

一個緊緊的擁抱一句我愛您

道盡了對您的思念及無法彌補的遺憾

好想說聲謝謝我這一世唯一的GP

謝謝您疼我以您的方式默默支持默默守候

傳說生命消失後離去的那人會蛻變成一顆星星在茫茫夜色里看守

想著您必定是星光熠熠的夜空里最閃亮的那顆星

我心裡最耀眼的那顆星

鱷梨

2009-09-13T16:02:00.005-10:00

雙十年華媛的園子里結滿了果子

沒有個安定的歇腳處卻有為我敞開大門的溫暖巢

沒有溫柔體貼的男友卻有個為我擋風遮雨的爸比

沒有暢所欲談的女友卻有個與我心有靈犀的媽咪

沒有三五成群的玩伴卻有兩個黏著我的小跟屁蟲

一直都知道我是無比幸運的所以感恩惜福不埋怨

步入二字輩的這一年一切的一切都為我準備好了

好感動只因雙十大禮不僅是貼心亦是安心

這未來保障心領了卻不會因而怠惰

依然為了夢想勇往前進為了你們不輕言放棄

媛子里結滿的鱷梨我會小心珍藏永遠記得你們所為我做的一切努力

趴趴走

2009-09-08T21:00:00.007-10:00

微風飄揚鼓舞著彈跳的躲避球

雪白浪花親吻著溼透的衝浪板

濃郁奶昔攙和著爽口的大漢堡

橘紅夕陽擁抱著甘甜的巴西莓

逗趣廚師耍弄著噗滋的鐵板燒

沈靜書店飄溢著濃濃的咖啡香

趴趴走的史迪奇開心無敵

2009-09-03T01:07:00.002-10:00

你知道的⋯所有事我都盡力做好不讓你失望。

你知道的⋯我強忍著不放棄。

唯有這⋯怎麼也學不會。

你知道的，對不？

諒解我，好不？

就算所有人都不懂也沒關係。

就你相信我，好不？

惡魔

2009-08-27T22:21:00.004-10:00

藏在安全的一小方天地不敢輕舉妄動

深怕不慎掉進了陷阱萬劫不復

就這麼靜靜地躲在保護塵里

聽著輕淺的呼吸隱忍奪眶的淚水

即使風吹走了危險氣息心依然忐忑

2009-08-26T21:01:00.003-10:00

若在不同的情況下或許我不會那麼排斥這島嶼真的

雖然緩慢的步伐著實不適合我但其實它好美好美

若在不同的情況下或許我會喜歡上這孤島吧

三年都這樣過去了區區115天沒道理撐不下去

加油吧：）

檸檬汁

2009-06-05T23:52:00.003-10:00

擺脫不了鬱悶想出去走走尋找生命的跡象

走在繁忙的街道上不知該何去何從

突然想起第二條巷口的哈密瓜牛奶

但角落間的果汁攤不見了取而代之的是間茶店

早上不該空著腹喝冷的酸的卻只想點檸檬汁

極酸的滋味刺激著味覺腦海里的思緒依舊凌亂

心裡依舊沒有答案

醜小鴨

2009-06-05T15:59:00.003-10:00

呆坐在鏡前好久好久

望著那即熟悉又陌生的臉孔

試圖解讀那繚亂無序的思維

童話故事裡的醜小鴨

從不奢望天鵝亮麗的羽毛

只期盼能融入所成長的鴨群中

脫離好奇的眼光遠離流言蜚語

即便無法如願我想它還是能堅強地活下去

不去埋怨自己的遭遇而珍惜所擁有的

未來或許仍會難過仍會介意

但我相信它定能克服一切

愛我的人自然會愛我

這是我的決定

幸福

2009-04-28T20:22:00.004-10:00

幸福是小小的感動

呼吸的氧氣揮灑的汗水

嘴角的微笑眼角的淚珠

揮動的雙手踏步的雙腳

黎明的日出傍晚的日落

清澈的天空朦朧的雲朵

堅韌的野草舞動的花卉

擁抱生活的跡象是幸福

ℒ²

2009-04-25T23:49:00.002-10:00

鬧鐘嗡嗡作響喚醒沈睡的意識

眼簾緩緩掀起展開嶄新的一天

那是日復一日的慣例

亦是日復一日的恩典

或許還不曉得生存的意義

或許還不了解自己的使命

但我熱愛生命只因活著就是一種幸福

或許人生往往事與願違有些無奈

或許人生偶爾遇上挫折有些艱辛

但所擁有的卻更多更多憑甚麼輕言放棄

或許忘了生命是顆不定時炸彈

或許忘了生命正一點一滴流失

所以忘了忘卻怨言忘了擁抱自己的幸福

“如果生命可以交換的話你願意跟我交換嗎？”

Lavender Summer

2009-04-20T22:24:00.006-10:00

Every summer when flowers blossomed, I'm reminded of my first summer alone on the island, my routine of taking an hour bus ride downtown with a jamba sneaked in the bag.

Every summer when lavender petals covered the walkway and the scent of flowers lingered in the air, I'm reminded of my first summer alone on the island, my naive aspirations lost along the way.

Downtown Disney District

2009-04-19T21:56:00.006-10:00

突然好懷念迪士尼慵懶的街道

懷念那法式油炸餡餅及親吻著鼻尖的糖粉

懷念那躺在樹梢的燈火那點綴著夜的藍光

懷念那熟悉的爵士旋律乘著微風飄拂過耳

懷念那驅走煩惱的純真笑聲如銀鈴般甜美

突然好懷念迪士尼在這鬱悶的夜

I miss Downtown Disney District.

I miss strolling down the lazy streets with a paper bag of French beignets in hand, a smack of powdered sugar kissing the tip of my nose.

I miss the light decor laying on the trees, blue shimmers brightening up the lonely night.

I miss the gentle wind whispering in my ears, singing to the melody of Don't Know Why.

I miss the sweet laughter of innocence, ringing like silver bells, driving away all worries.

I miss Downtown Disney District, on the night my mood turned blue.

渴望

2009-04-18T23:42:00.004-10:00

當池水一點一滴地蒸發

魚兒貪婪地吸取僅存的氧氣

呼吸著逐漸流失的空氣奄奄一息

一塘乾凅的池水

一條喘息的魚兒

一場垂死的掙扎

孤鷹

2009-04-10T15:23:00.001-10:00

孤鷹盤旋頭頂

像失去地心引力的指南針毫無方向感

遼闊藍天混淆了視線

當狂風掃盡白雲豔陽晒昏了頭

荒蕪沙漠模糊了視野

當狂風捲起沙粒塵埃刺疼了眼

而淚浸濕了枕

為那迷失了方向無力掙脫的孤鷹

配角

2009-04-04T11:57:00.002-10:00

每則故事的重心都屬主角

每則故事的橋段都為主角而設

每則故事的人物都為主角而立

每則故事的結局都為主角而了

劇情的展開由配角陪襯著主角

編劇由描述主角與配角間密不可分的情誼著筆

接續進入為達目的而與敵手起爭執的刺激情節

然而觀眾常忽略了衝突是由配角化解而非主角

接近故事尾聲時配角往往為了戲劇張力而犧牲

促成了主角便消失於無形之中

劇中高潮焦點全集聚於主角卻忘了失去配角的存在構不成故事

沒了配角的主角不過是少了翅膀的鳥兒插翅難飛

這則主副替換的故事中觀眾為不求回報而默默付出的主角喝采

回程

2009-03-29T23:51:00.000-10:00

踏上回程

回到原點的歸途

返回起跑點的路程

好想就一直往前走不再回頭

前往下一個目的地發掘等待的未知

拋下無形的枷鎖尋找屬於自己的歸屬

Downtown San Diego

2009-03-28T23:53:00.000-10:00

夜幕低垂喧鬧伴隨著人潮喚醒沈睡的夜

街燈閃爍炎炎火光為寂寥的夜增添生氣

街道上聚集著敞顏歡笑的顧客等待桌位

餐館裡患滿了侃侃而談的人群開懷暢飲

西裝筆挺的上班族手持潛艇堡併桌而坐

無家可歸的流浪漢裹著破棉襖席地而坐

一幕幕如旋渦將自己也融入了這片景象

繁忙的街頭與平靜的心緒形成強烈對比

兩者卻又和諧共存怡然自得

夜遊聖地牙哥鬧區心好踏實

加州捲

2009-03-28T23:49:00.006-10:00

加州陽光揮灑在山的稜角

冰冷寒風吹拂過海的浪花

繁忙街道喧嘩同嘈雜協奏

冷清公寓幽靜為寂寥伴唱

上班族群裝束著西裝領帶

街頭游民徘徊於慈善廚房

手執海苔小心翼翼將回憶如米粒般包裹起來不留縫隙

呈獻上春假自製的加州捲

依賴

2009-03-20T23:27:00.000-10:00

如果小豬不再喜愛混濁泥沼

如果鳥兒不再眷戀溫暖鳥巢

如果小袋鼠不再安於育兒袋

如果無尾熊不再貪戀那背影

如果人不再需要人

雨

2009-03-14T01:21:00.000-10:00

聽雨聲

聽雨的節奏

綿綿細雨滴答滴答悄然滲入心裡

在風的呼嘯中輕輕訴說著傷悲

如飲泣吞聲的悲鳴

傾盆大雨嘩啦嘩啦猛然佔據心頭

在雷的鼓噪下狂妄地發出怒吼

如慘絕人寰的咆哮

聽雨哭

聽雨的哀泣

初衷

2009-03-08T11:11:00.000-10:00

天上鳥兒為何飛翔

水裡魚兒為何游移

為了飛行而展翅卻忘了珍惜遼闊天際

為了覓食而遊走卻忘了愛憐深邃海洋

嘴角為何牽動

眼眶為何泛紅

微笑卻忘了為甚麼而開心

流淚卻忘了為甚麼而難過

遺忘了原始的初衷

遺忘了心為何跳動

灰色地帶

2009-02-28T21:50:00.003-10:00

黑與白的混合中兩者失去了自我

看不見絕望的終點希望的起點

區隔不了黑與白的界線

猶如這陰沈的灰色地帶

沒有豔陽照耀也沒有雷聲巨響

烏雲密佈的天空嘩啦啦地流著淚

框框

2009-02-23T20:54:00.005-10:00

怎麼逃離這喜怒無常的框框？

透明的框框制止了悲喜的雲霄飛車

黝黑的框框讓一層層陰霾繚繞不散

豔紅的框框燃起了心中的一把怒火

憂藍的框框讓一波波憂慮堆積心頭

怎麼跳脫這框框的局限不再受它牽制？

泛黃的回憶

2009-02-13T13:07:00.005-10:00

被遺忘的記憶染了層灰

藉由午夜夢迴重溫

美好的曾經

失意的無奈

缺失的遺憾

喚起了沈睡的記憶

泛黃的回憶

汽球

2009-02-06T00:29:00.000-10:00

空心汽球失去了重心

當小手拋棄了唯一繫著它與地的繩索

也斷了它於世的牽掛

地心引力挽留不了一顆空蕩失落的心

只能看著它飄然離去

發愣地睨著汽球化為飄渺的一小圓點

隨風消失於遼闊天際

佯裝的洋裝

2009-01-28T19:12:00.004-10:00

三分鐘屬你的舞台

三分鐘屬你的專注

三分鐘屬你的歡呼

以三分鐘索取眾人興味的眼光

以三分鐘填滿心裡綿延的惆悵

以三分鐘彌補現實生活的缺憾

就三分鐘？

當燈光漸暗模糊了視線

當簾幕低垂隔絕了掌聲

散場後的空虛怎麼面對

這三分鐘後的三分鐘甚麼也沒改變

這三分鐘後的三分鐘還是得回到現實

短暫的榮耀不過是另一個你在另一個舞台尋求的平衡

短暫的滿足不過是另一個你在另一個舞台得到了宣洩

就在這三分鐘穿著洋裝的妳得到了佯裝堅強的你所渴望的贊同

保鮮膜

2009-01-23T11:36:00.004-10:00

能不能把快樂封鎖

稍稍延長保存期限

讓幸福的空氣徘徊

讓快樂的氣氛不散

爵士

2009-01-20T17:57:00.006-10:00

掙脫了五線譜的音符隨著旋律飄動

音符自由地奔放著奏出心底的歎息

擺脫了束縛譜出了專屬它的爵士樂

爵士有點狂有點Free

悄悄誘惑著未覺醒的意識企圖開啓深鎖的靈魂

爵士有點悲有點Blue

輕輕訴說著未發掘的心聲渴望傳遞深埋的秘密

[你說爵士樂太憂傷不是我的調調

沈默是我的回答

讓更多的靜默瀰漫讓你仔細傾聽

傾聽屬我的爵士

那音符早已在心底譜出了最完美的旋律

純淨無染旁人卻聽不見的爵士]

人工極地

2009-01-09T03:42:00.004-10:00

北極熊拖著笨重的步伐南遷了

沒有白雪的痕跡悶熱的氣候讓它喘不過氣來

它被安置於動物園內人為的極地環境

改變適應了就好

沒有成群的同類孤寂的時光令它擱不下思念

回望著玻璃窗外好奇圍觀的一雙雙眼

寂寞習慣了就好

好嗎？慰藉的謊言

會不會有一天北極熊受不住環境的折磨而病逝？

會不會有一天北極熊喪失了堅強活下去的勇氣？

多少羨慕著北極熊雪白毛皮的人知道它的祕密？

雪白毛皮不過是它的保護色

那是遮掩著黑皮膚的透明中空小管子吸收陽光而折射出的假象

團圓

2009-01-08T23:12:00.000-10:00

喜歡忘了時間的日子

夜晚閉眼閒聊捨不得結束這短暫的一天

清早朦朧睜眼緊抓著由指尖流失的時光

心裡卻怎麼也忘不了快樂的截止期

時日越近心越抗拒

望著鏡中的自己我想團員的日子裡我成了團團圓圓

罷工

2009-01-04T23:57:00.001-10:00

不哭

雖然好想就這麼躺著想著流著淚

哭好累

阻塞的鼻奪走空氣

紅腫的眼壓縮視野

不哭

讓腦袋暫且罷工不想不悲不流淚

Q毛

2009-01-04T23:53:00.000-10:00

走了

捲了

把綿延的思念框在圈圈裡捨不得放開

把失控的思緒困在圈圈裡沒勇氣深思

背影

2009-01-04T23:50:00.000-10:00

以為這次換我看著你的背影離去

不料最後一眼卻是你帶淚的臉龐

木門關閉的聲響在空白的腦海裡嗡嗡作響

半瞇著朦朧的眼縮回空蕩蕩的被窩裡

止不住決堤的淚水甚麼也不願去想

這一天就放縱自己為自己哭泣

臭鞋

2008-12-17T01:41:00.003-10:00

手拎著破舊的運動鞋雙眼圓瞪

主人嫌棄地高舉發臭的鞋無奈

恨不得將它棄之於不顧卻不願赤腳步行

那是雙破舊的鞋不想留卻又捨不去的鞋

貓頭鷹

2008-12-15T22:45:00.000-10:00

夜吞噬了光黑幕籠罩每一寸塵土

枝頭上閃爍的點點星光顯得格外亮眼

潛行於夜深人靜的黑暗中貓頭鷹眨巴著眼無法入眠

眸不再伶俐眼瞳參透著些許倦意

沈重的眼皮壓抑著疲憊久久不肯閉目

深陷於鴉雀無聲的靜默中貓頭鷹畏懼著夜不敢入眠

黑夜破壞視野黑暗中只能回瞪著一片漆黑

沈靜擾亂平和沈默中只能迴避著繚亂思緒

貓頭鷹守著夜獨自輾轉到天明

解答

2008-12-12T01:26:00.000-10:00

“給妳的！”

小孩緊握着拳頭興奮地奔至面前

敞開的掌心裡是一朵朵鮮明的花

花瓣被壓得扁扁的色彩卻好豔麗

那是最美麗的花朵最簡單的美好

長大後的世界變得好陌生

利害關係毀滅最初的單純

情緒被小心翼翼地收藏着

以一層層的假象包裝隱藏

恨蒙蔽雙眼愛則包容一切

何不以愛接納所有的好與壞

不再思索着利與弊拋棄恨

就以愛征服這不完美的世界

I 以愛的 EYE 看世界，完美無缺

土司邊

2008-12-10T11:03:00.002-10:00

人的能力無限

只在於個人意願及環境需求

猶如曾經厭惡的土司邊

昔日的垃圾堆如今卻成填飽肚子的糧食

跌入坑裡最底端何嘗不是件好事

絕境激發前進的動力而困在坑裡唯一的出路便是往上爬

熱可可

2008-12-09T21:59:00.004-10:00

失了味的熱可可

淡淡的嘗不出原有的甜

失了溫的熱可可

涼涼的暖不了冰冷的手

掌心裡的馬克杯滑入喉口的液體

淡淡的涼涼的有些苦澀

酒吧

2008-12-05T22:51:00.001-10:00

濃烈的酒味撲鼻喚回飄忽的神智

吵雜的球賽重播時而響起的歡呼

談笑聲此起彼落不由自主又恍神

卸貨工人擋著路繞過一桶桶酒回神

星期一漫長的一個星期又開始了

走著想著唐突的酒味刺激味覺轉念

不過星期三怎麼開始把酒迎歡了

調高的音量截斷了迷離的思緒尋思

星期五了一個星期就這樣結束了

轉瞬間學期末了

狂歡的人潮依舊

而我又做了甚麼

七

2008-11-29T23:02:00.000-10:00

孤僻不懂得交際

卻喜歡上偶爾的聯繫

心情低落適時的簡訊

理智不懂得迷信

卻喜歡上口裡的預言

無聲無息流露的關懷

如無波的海洋掀起片片浪花

沈靜的心暖烘烘

你說我沒有 “七”

我說我有你，摯友

鬼

2008-11-27T15:03:00.005-10:00

每個人心裡都住了只鬼

若非無慾無求的完美體

心裡都偷偷藏著一只鬼

飄飄然的它忽隱忽現

陰沈沈的它捉摸不定

別把它困在悲傷之中

別讓它吸進哀傷再呼出憂愁

別把它養在憤怒之中

別讓它填飽了肚子充斥心房

猶如顆不定時炸彈

就這麼埋伏在心底

怎麼也揮不去的鬼

1+1=3

2008-11-26T13:07:00.002-10:00

實則虛之，虛則實之

祂說聽信我，它想卻懷疑

祂說遵從我，它想卻猶豫

祂說信賴我，它想卻沒轍

1+1=2 不可爭的事實

雖是幼時被強行填入空白腦袋的不二法則

卻也被桌上蘋果手上指頭的數目說服

但若被灌輸的理念與原有的思想有所出入

而憑靠的只能是無條件的信賴與馴服

如果祂說 1+1=3呢？

真真假假假假真真，虛實之別怎麼分辨？

祕密

2008-11-21T21:42:00.004-10:00

捧著上鎖的盒子

徒手挖掘樹旁的泥地

小心翼翼填補那空洞

將它深埋於地底

無人知曉它的存在

看不見也尋不著

唯有自己明瞭

深藏的祕密

苦苦守著它

只屬己的祕密

一旦第二人知曉

祕密只能消失於世

祕密之所以成為祕密

是因它苦不堪言

就讓它僅只於此

讓它成為永遠的祕密

斷弦

2008-11-14T00:40:00.004-10:00

命如弦

悲喜旋律高低起伏全由奏樂者掌控

尋覓其中的平衡點

脆弱的生命如細長的弦線

鬆弛則沈悶乏味緊繃卻尖銳煩躁

愛護弦的奏樂者永遠無法割捨它

即使指腹長滿了繭也不棄

愛惜生命者亦然

斷了弦不過是懦弱之舉

終結的瞬間便失去了所有權利

寧願把悲傷加註於他人

也沒勇氣承擔而自私尋求解脫

奏樂者唯能控制的便是手中的弦

即使交響曲變了調亦不能於雙縱線前終止

斷絕操控己身的權利是放棄自己

即便全世棄你於不顧也無謂但自棄值得嗎

建立與毀滅出至同一雙手

一切就這麼化為烏有值得嗎？

經過時間的沈澱一切終是過往雲煙

何苦呢？

一局敗棋

2008-11-08T22:03:00.004-10:00

總急於了解一切的一切

無法將困惑擱著想破腦也非得理出個頭緒

在人生這盤棋上自我認知跨出了第一步

思緒著重於未來不受現今刺激的誘惑

而過往回憶確實也稍稍牽絆著步伐

逐步前進當而對立的棋子急促越過

不勝了解最原始的起點漸而喪失信心

啄食著僅剩的信念只覺海上浮木飄失了

就這麼任憑困惑漂浮不定毫無掙扎的徵象

是放棄仰或無力尋解答？

這盤棋暫介敗狀只因進退中始終原地踏步

但棋局未定畢竟人生旅途漫長歇歇再舉步也不嫌晚

國王殺手

2008-10-30T00:18:00.001-10:00

仰賴著毒語劣性以求心裡平衡

一味數落別人的不是卻不曾自我反省

他活在自己的王國自霸稱尊

想當然爾他永遠都屬勝利那方

世界永遠都環繞著他而轉在他的王國

而現實社會中受波及者何其無奈？

想反擊隨即憶起此角色的危險性

對於不可理喻的他而言極限為何？

是否下一步便觸及他的地雷死無葬身之地？

有理說不清只因他困在自己的王國裡無法掙脫⋯

弦樂

2008-10-17T23:35:00.004-10:00

當小提琴隨著主旋律飛快揮舞

昏昏欲睡的大提琴淡然應和著

相較於前者的神采飛揚

慵懶的配角時而撩著淒涼的弦時而奏著單調的音

聽著悅耳的曲忽略了乏味和弦

忘了兩者相輔相成少了其一旋律不再完美

曲由和弦襯托著旋律卻奪走了光彩

聆聽者終究忽視了它的存在直至消失才覺惋惜