嘻

本人最近剛通過一年一度的答辯 正式邁入博士學位第二年咯！＊開心＊ 原本想說交了報告能偷懶一下下 哪知工作接二連三 想喘口氣都不行⋯今天終於逮到時間寫點東西啦！

話說上幾個月周遭發生了好多事 迫使我不得不反省自己目前的生活狀態 畢竟還得在這待上兩三年呢！把自己的生活中心完全放在學業上也不是辦法⋯思考了一下下 做了些調整 為生活增添些樂趣 成果似乎還不賴⋯真想一直這樣開心下去⋯

上週末和同事們跑到吉膽島 無敵歡樂！大家有說有笑 還拍了不少照⋯看見朋友上傳的其中一張 不禁愣了一愣⋯本人鮮少照鏡 所以就算某天某人跑來和我說我長了三頭六臂 我想我也會傻乎乎地問聲 真的嗎？這位朋友拍了好多candid shots 其中一張嘛 我笑得像個瘋婆子 不過照片裡的我似乎很開心很開心呢！常常忘了自己除了愛胡思亂想外 也能擁有單純的喜悅 :)

“笑 世界也跟著你一起微笑”

Barefoot

Protego horribilis!

The one spell I wish I could cast to protect myself from all the negativity floating in air. October was chaotic; but looking back at it now, everything feels so distant. Was it only a few weeks ago that I felt engulfed by my surroundings?

I'm far from optimistic. Hence, I constantly remind myself to stay positive by focusing on the bright side of life. I practice it day by day, knowing it's the best way for me to cope with the challenges and imperfections in life. But during the past month, the excessive complains and talks about quitting create an intense environment so suffocating that I struggled to stand my ground.

Hmm, I don't even know where to start. I mean, the problems preexisted; never liked them, probably never will, but they don't get to me cause I know what I'm here for. I appreciate the learning environment I'm in, and though it's not perfect, I learn to accept it in and of itself. But when everyone starts talking about it day in and and day out, it got to me. My patience wore thin and I grew weary of people day by day.

Thankfully, one of our new colleagues told me about a photomarathon that was going on and I had a chance to take a breather from all the chaos. More than a thousand people participated. There were three themes (Mother Nature, City of Color, and Extraordinary of the Ordinary) and we were given three hours to work on each. We explored the city in search of the hidden beauty of life. I was sweaty, stinky, and my feet covered with mud, but I haven't felt so alive and carefree in the longest time!

I belatedly realize that although I can't change the environment, I can gain control of my life by choosing to live life to the fullest with utmost joy. Thank You for granting me life, Creator :)

"Participate joyfully in the sorrows of the world. We cannot cure the world of sorrows, but we can choose to live in joy."

Experiment 626

"Ohana means family. Family means no one gets left behind, or forgotten."

Know that aggressive and cunning blue creature that's practically indestructible? That's my favorite Disney character---Stitch. I know it doesn't fit the typical definition of cuteness, but I like that fella for slightly odd reasons. I like it for it is unloved; for what it's capable of transforming into if given a chance. I like its story of love, hope, and belongingness; the story that never fails to tug the corner of my heart. I like how it reminds me so much of myself.

A lot of times, I feel like an alien stranded on earth, unsure of my purpose on this planet I'm supposed to call home. I've been contemplating about "home" for some time now. A term that bears more meaning than a mere roof over the head; the place where the heart belongs. And where does mine? My heart's always on the move, like a backpacker I suppose. It's nice to be able to explore and uncover the beauty of various destinations, to embrace change and be excited about the unknown; yet sometimes, it's a bummer returning to a temporary lodge day after day, unable to linger at a place you grew to love.

So my friend and I were talking about long distance friendships one day. Speaking from her own experiences, she believes that long distance friendships are hard to maintain after a year or two cause it kinda fades away when you're no longer part of each others' life. Her comment saddened me cause I believe it partially true. The fact that I haven't been in touch with some of my friends at Hawai'i since google chat voice started charging calls to the U.S. made me feel disconnected with part of who I was. The lovely bunch who used to share my laughter and tears, estranged. Although I believe that when we get together again, we'll be able to pick up from where we left off, it saddens me that things won't be the same anymore. No more late night girls talk, no more falling asleep to Boys Meet World, no more monthly Blockbuster scary movie nights, no more weekly island adventures, no more unplanned evenings in car parks, no more random Waikiki outings, no more lunch dates, no more beach, no more hikes, no more... Man, I thought blogging was supposed to help me feel better about the whole situation.

I understand that change is inevitable; but each time, I feel like I left a piece of me behind, leaving a void in my heart. I try not to complain, but sometimes I get tired of restarting my life over and over again. Exhausted to the point where I'm reluctant to make an effort to start something that will end in due time. It's not easy, at least not for me. But if it's His will to push me out of my comfort zone and let me experience major life changes a little more than average, then I shall learn to embrace it. As illustrated in the story of "Who Moved My Cheese," change happens whether you like it or not. You either anticipate, accept, and move along with it, or you rot with your stinky old cheese. So I guess that leaves me no choice but to move on with the new cheese and learn to enjoy it.

Pray do give me strength.

 

Figure 1. A frowning cactus yearning for a hug. Exactly why I love stitch. 

Habitation

This must have been my fifth visit to Singapore within the past 18 months. I frown upon the idea of having to fly there just to take care of some personal matters, so this time, I planned an adventure :)

Since it was a last minute booking, I didn't have much time to arrange my accommodation. I figured I'd bunk in Changi airport since it was voted as the best airport of 2010 (http://www.sleepinginairports.net). A friend expressed her sympathy but I felt nothing but excitement! I love the adventurous side of me. Although I have to admit that I'm not the most optimistic person on earth, I like the me who's always in search of beauty in life. She's been missing for some time now and I'm determined to find her back. Reality, please excuse me for a moment while I head on a journey in search of my lost self.

So I caught a midnight flight and arrived at Singapore around 2am. Walked around the airport searching for a cozy spot and set my camp at Starbucks. I tried sleeping, I honestly did. But there was construction going on and the girls seated beside me were extremely excited about a computer game they discovered, so I only managed to nap for an hour and a half. I spent the rest of my time thinking, listening, people watching. I enjoyed it. After 5 hours at Starbucks, I brushed my teeth and washed my face in the bathroom before having sushi for breakfast. Man, this is like... hardcore backpacking. At least I had a bed to sleep in when I "backpacked" Europe last summer.

After breakfast, I headed down to Marina Bay Sands. Got lost for a bit, and found a perfect spot under the tree. I spent my morning sitting on a bench, swaying to soft jazz music, having the time of my life. A few hours later, I grabbed a bottle of gatorade, explored the mall for a bit, and found another spot by the Arts and Science museum. I would have visited if the entrance fee was more reasonable. But since it wasn't, I was content sitting outside the museum, people watching. Seated beside me was a couple with their grandson, eating packed lunch and playing hide-and-seek. They were so adorable. The little kid ran around in circles, his carefree laughter ringing in the air behind him. I couldn't help but smile at such precious moments. I spent more time sitting, listening, reflecting, and being mesmerized by water ripples. Random, I know.

Then, it was time for the Lion King, woot! I was debating if I should watch it for the longest time. I wasn't exactly comfortable with the idea of doing something unfamiliar all by myself, plus it was crazy expensive. But my frustration with my not-so-self pushed me out of my comfort zone and with a click of the mouse, I splurged. No regrets though. I loved it so so much. Before we were seated, a waiter came by with a backpack of coffee plus milo and had to shake himself for a bit before serving the drinks, hah. I was amused. The show was way better than I expected. Especially loved the costumes, choreography, and little Simba's role.

After the show, I rushed my way to Suntec to attend City Harvest Church's Saturday service. Found the place without much difficulty and got there in time for worship. I'm so glad I went. The message wasn't extremely powerful or inspiring but it was really encouraging for me personally; it was just what I needed to lift my spirits. I felt so bonded with God that evening, felt so good to indulge in His presence. I stood there in awe of Him, singing my praises with tears flowing. That moment, I knew I was healed emotionally; I was set free from my doubts and worries, I was free from the bondage that wouldn't have tied me down if I chose to let go.

I took a train back to the airport after service and was hoping to find a better spot for the night. I explored the airport yet again and realize that T3B2 is the happening place. Had a proper meal for dinner then decided to sleep at a kids hang out area. Just when I got comfy, some security guards came by notifying us that the place will be closed for cleaning. Man. And so I lugged my bag with me in search of another spot. Starbucks was packed this time. I sat on one of the plastic chairs, hugged my knees and could only nap for less than half an hour. I feel like my bones are deformed. Grabbed my stuff in search of another spot with my eyes half opened and crashed at the tourist info's lounge. Got to sleep for three hours before I checked in. Explored the transit area but wasn't extremely impressed. The theater and sunflower garden was nice though.

Boarded the plane soon after and was knocked out before take off. Phew, that marks the end of my physically exhausting yet mentally refreshing journey! Taking a mini trip did me good. I'm moving forward yo; me and my happy soul :')

Inspiration

My emotion lost its invisibility cloak; it feels overexposed.

I was taken aback when my lil sis commented that I look wan one day. On a separate occasion, my dad looked me in the eye and told me to take things easy and not be stressed. My mom said yea, I look it. I was slightly bothered by the fact that the three of them saw the same thing in me but eventually shrugged it off. This past Friday, one of my colleagues, whom I rarely speak to, solemnly asked if I was okay cause I looked pale. My friend nodded in agreement. K well, now I'm worried.

I've always disliked insincere "how are you"s. I'm so used to mechanically answering "oh yea, I'm fine" that I suspect I have convinced myself so. I haven't been acknowledging my feelings lately, I just assumed I will be alright. But now I'm starting to think otherwise. I mean, yea, I'm stressed about work, but that's eustress. Nothing I can't handle. It's the emotional distress that's getting on me. I've always been able to manage my emotions appropriately, but I can't believe it's visible on my visage now.

I figured I had to do something about it and decided that I need to be inspired. My advice to self? Get out of the house and do something different. A change in environment and routine turned out to be extremely therapeutic so I had to blog about my weekend to remind myself of the positive experiences I had.

I woke up early on Saturday, planning to catch the bus to campus, but it was raining. So I laid in bed, caught up with some entertainment shows while eating leftover spaghetti. Grabbed my shoes after lunch, and started walking to campus. The route was still as scary as can be. I really hope the kids are well taken care of emotionally and educationally. By the time I reached campus, I was dripping sweat but could do nothing about it since there was a campus wide power shut down. I headed to the lake and started jogging. As you may or may not know, I'm no jogger at all, but I had the greatest time listening to the whisper of the wind, humming to the rhythm of nature's sweetest melody. I felt so in tune with the world. After a 30 minutes jog, I grabbed a bottle of 100plus and found a place to sit down and blog. My thoughts needed some organizing after all. I wish I had more time to quiet down and reflect upon things but I had to rush back and shower before heading out with a friend. Quick fix at Hokkaido Ichiba and caught the Rise of the Planet of the Apes. I especially enjoyed the reclining seat during the movie, cheehuu. After that, we grabbed desserts from Hokkaido Ice Cream and headed home. I thought I'd be knocked out by then but surprisingly, I felt mentally refreshed. So I picked up from where I left off and blogged till 4 in the morning.

The next day, I woke up just in time for lunch. I wanted to try out my new kettle but scalded myself in the process. I kinda forgot about it until I saw my palm red and swollen. Ate spaghetti again but ended up with a tummy ache this time. After lunch, I quickly headed out to wait for the bus but it never came, so I took a stroll instead. It drizzled. I thought it'd be nice to do something different yet again and so I headed for the gym. I had it all to myself for the first 15 minutes, which I thought was extremely pleasant, and spent another 30 minutes working out while enjoying the music. I then grabbed a can of 100plus from our newly opened 7-11 before heading down to the lake to spend some time blogging. I was distracted by the ducks and was mesmerized by the movement and sound of the fountain half of the time I was there. Went home for a quick shower and drove off in my friend's car later that evening. It's the kazillionth time she's asked me to drive. Usually, I'd decline but since this weekend I'm up to no good, I mean, up for something different, I drove! First time driving on the highway and passing the tow! Beep beep! It was super jammed though.

Well, that pretty much summed up my weekend. I still have a bunch of unresolved issues floating in my head but I feel recharged to deal with them now. Mmm, actually, I don't have time for that yet. First year report due in a few weeks, so... mm... prolonged stress? Sighs.

Wedding Galore

I'm back at ghost town, all geared up for work! Mm, well... sorta. I had a nice and relaxing trip back home during Raya break and got to attend two weddings within the week! It was great fun. I especially enjoyed our family day at Labuan. Dad got a car and drove us around the island. Went to the Chimney Museum, the Peace Garden, Layang-Layangan beach, and more driving around that side of the island. I had the greatest time soaking in the sun, with the wind lashing across my cheeks; racing my siblings up the hill, fooling around like nothing else in the world mattered; splashing water by the beach, with sand trickling between my toes. Ah, I haven't felt so alive in a while! I'm falling in love with life all over again :)


Anyhow, back to the wedding. I've always enjoyed family weddings cause it was on such occasion that I first felt a strong sense of connection with my extended family. I wasn't extremely close with most of my cousins since I moved to Hawai'i at a young age, but I still remember how we got so hyped up for one of our cousin sisters' wedding two summers ago. We wrapped our arms around each other, laughed to tears, and sang from the depths of our hearts. We were there with one another, for each other; a bond so strong I could never imagine. It's an indescribable feeling.




So the first wedding was at KK; traditional Chinese custom of picking up the bride followed by an exchange of vows at the church. Somewhat awkward transition from the East to the West but it was nice. Our family members are mostly Buddhist. Seeing them humbling themselves to sing praise songs was a heartwarming sight. The craze started during the wedding dinner. As per usual, there was karaoke. Everyone cheered, clapped, and sang along with a little groove. But this time, one of our lovely cousins had to drag us on stage and I couldn't do anything but to laugh an awkward laugh and join in the fun. Towards the end of the wedding, my dad and his two bros got the scene heated up again. Everyone joined hands; danced, laughed and sang. There was so much joy overflowing :)



The next one was a poolside wedding at Labuan. I loved the setting. It was so adorable! Dear future husband, if you exist, can we please please please have a beachside wedding? :) Forgive me for daydreaming at 1:29am, I'll find myself foolish when I'm mentally awake again. Anyhow, this wedding was entirely different from the previous one. It was more laid back and relaxed, though for a good portion of the time, my little nephew clung onto me and I had to run after him every so often.




The weddings, as fun as they were, got me thinking about marriage. I have a foolish fear of being a cat lady. You know, the typical scene portrayed in movies in which an old lady sits quietly on her wooden rocking chair, petting her seven cats laying on her lap; an old lady whom no one will realize she's gone until the neighbors smell something funny. I don't even like cats, sniffles. K fine, I know I'm being pessimistic and melodramatic but I honestly can't be with someone just for the sake of being. I've seen quite a number of unfortunate marriages and I'd never want to be placed in that situation if I can help it. Yet, growing up in a loving family aspires me to build my own. Mmm, why am I thinking about this again? Oh right, weddings. Ah wells, I'm still young, or so I convince myself. My time will come :)



Roti prata for now :)

Egocentrism

My heart must have gained a few pounds. It feels heavy of late.

Besides the stack of to-do list I have, a huge pile of to-think list is pressing for attention. I've been filling my life with noise recently; timid to embrace the quietness I once loved, timid to let my thoughts run wild. But tonight, it's me and silence, all alone. Internet malfunctioned so I can't soak up in some mindless tv show and laugh an empty laugh. I turned up the volume of my music but all I hear is silence, and my thoughts screaming to be heard.

I've been ignoring my thoughts for a while now cause I find it emotionally draining to think about them. I went through this whole emotional roller coaster about Plan X, knowing I can't just selfishly proclaim that I'm uncomfortable with the huge disruption it's gonna cause my life. After all, I know for a fact that it's the ideal plan for everyone else. Just when I convinced myself to accept it, the whole situation took a different turn. Everything's still up in the air but gah you have no idea how much distress it caused me. We're talking about major life changes after all. Oh well, that's that.

Less sensitive topic. So lately, I tend to have strong instinctive feelings about new people I met. I've been trying to make sense of them since some are, unfortunately, less positive than others. It's quite an interesting process to learn about your subconscious. I was amazed to discover that my cognitive processes have been working way overtime to figure things out right under my nose.

Anyhow, I recently met an extremely chatty girl who's totally engrossed with nothing but herself. I always thought I was a pretty good listener but clearly I haven't been challenged. After spending some time with her, I'd happily admit defeat. It's quite a horrific experience, I must say. I pray that I'd grow to be a humble person filled with love and care for others. Although I'm guilty of being egocentric at times, I make a conscious effort not to be. So much so that I feel like I'm losing my sense of identity.

I go by the principle of "do to others as you would have them do to you" Luke6:31. Thus, I nod along others' suggestions or decisions when I don't have a strong desire or objection; just because personally, I'd appreciate it when people value and are willing to accommodate my preference. Although that's my position, I suppose it may appear as if I'm not opinionated and people kinda just disregard what I have to say after a while. It's my fault. I brought myself into that situation. I tend to think about others so much that sometimes I forget myself along the way. I wonder if being a little more egocentric would do me any good? :)